Well I am sure that you will be pleased to know that our sagacious Uncle Seamus has gotten time off for good behavior. Consequently, he has agreed to provide us with his wise advice.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have been reading in the papers and watching the news on TV about Ebola fever. What measures can I take to prevent catching it? Thanks, Scared To Death.
Dear STD; There are two things that you can do to avoid Ebola fever. The first is to live in one of those huge plastic bubbles like the one that John Travolta did in the movie, “The Boy In the Plastic Bubble” and you might want to cancel any plans to travel to West Africa. You should also avoid licking anyone that has the disease.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have a very difficult time falling to sleep at night. I have tried pills, counting sheep, listening to the sounds of the sea (Not really the sea, I live too far inland. I just let the toilet run.) But, no luck. Do you have any advice? Thanks, Sleepless in Harmony County.
Dear SIHC; I too occasionally have that problem. Sometimes I just ply myself an excessive amount of personality altering adult beverages. Failing that resort to a less expensive remedy and just pound my head against the wall. The drawback is that you can wake up in some of the most unexpected places. Here is a radical idea. Get your lazy butt off the couch and go for a walk. If you live in a bad neighborhood then you will be going for a run.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am concerned about the issues surrounding gay marriage. I worry that if I get invited to a same sex marriage I’ll not know what to buy the couple. Any suggestions? Gay Gift Giver.
Dear g3; You are treading on some pretty shaky politically correct ground. The traditional gifts e.g. pop-up toaster, blender, wine cork remover, etc. all carry some stereotypical connotations. I would stick with a gift card or you can invite the newlyweds over for dinner. Plus, you might get some interior decorating tips as a bonus.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am appalled at what is going on and not going on in politics these days. The whole country seems to be going down the tube at an ever increasing rate. Is there anything we citizens can do to improve our situation? Appalled Senior Citizen.
Dear ASC; Really! How could you say such things? Everyone knows that our elected officials work tirelessly for our good. Just because they occasionally need some financial support from mega corporations, get most of their information from lobbyists, go on all expense paid three-month vacations to exotic locations and have yet to pick up a check in any restaurant does not mean they are not looking out for us. The above message was paid for by The Committee to Re-elect Everybody. So shut up and vote like you are told.© 2014, Jim McGowan
The Harmony County Attorney General, Edgar Grasper, has unexpectedly resigned his position. This came as a surprise to the locals since there appeared to be something left in the treasury and had not managed to alienate every group in the county most notably the Girl Scouts and the International Gun Runners Local # 14. As one might expect, in Harmony County these two groups are related in that the Girl Scouts sell ammo instead of cookies during their annual fundraiser. (You have to try the mint flavored .45s.)
Grasper’s sudden departure brought disappointment to more than a few people. The Harmony County Security Agency was forced into a huge layoff of personnel. During his tenure this agency boasted that they had listened into more than 3,000,000,000 phone conversations on a Tuesday alone. Unfortunately, they were rather benign. But they did learn that the most popular pizza was the extra-large, double cheese, and pepperoni, and that the fire department was well practiced in getting cats out of trees and that my Uncle Seamus was doing a lively business booking bets, but everyone knows that.
The Harmony County Revenue Service was rather relieved by Grasper’s sudden exit. They had been instructed by the former AG to conduct investigations of some of the more conservative organizations in the county. On the top of the list Bubba Welborn’s Flippin’ Dippin’ and Sippin’ Redneck Saloon. When they entered the establishment and announced themselves you could hear a pin drop. Then you could hear plate glass shattering, sudden thuds and finally some muffled groans.
However, their findings were lost. Not because some emails mysteriously disappeared as was the case in some federal agencies, but because their offices were burnt to the ground by a group of irate Harmony Countdiots. It seems that the fire department was busy dragging Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher’s cat Fluffy out of a tree when the blaze started.
As mentioned above the only groups that were sad to see Grasper go were the Gun Runners and their business partners the Sprouts. While Grasper was in office business was booming. Since selling firearms to the peace loving folks of Harmony County is like selling ice to Eskimos Local #14 had to go across the border to sell their weapons. Things were moving fast and furiously but the word got out and they were shut down.
Needless this called for an investigation. Grasper was called before the Harmony County Council and was told to provide all the documents regarding the weapon sales and to answer questions under oath. Grasper flat refused to supply the documentation, but he did use an oath. But since this is a family paper I cannot repeat that oath.
Grasper was immediately charged with contempt of council. This is rather ironic since it would be hard to find any group more contemptible than the Harmony County Council. Charges were made back and forth much to the amusement of the citizenry.
This was the point when Grasper decided to cut and run. CYA Eddie. © 2014, Jim McGowan
The big brouhaha over the name of the football team The Washington Redskins has spilled over to Harmony County. We too have a team here named the Redskins. However, this group of sportspersons (Notice I went PC and did not use the term jock.) are named after the spuds. But this name has offended the National Association for the Advancement of Colored Potatoes and they have turned out in force to protest the moniker.
As one could anticipate the Harmony County Council was thoroughly confused when the organization filed a formal protest. Representing the NAACP were their attorneys, ‘Chip’ O’Toole and ‘Frenchy’ LeBourne. They presented the council with a petition entitled, “An Act to Support the Universal Employment, Education and Encouragement of Spuds of Every Creed, Color, Belief but Not the Sweet Potato Because We Do Not Fool with Any LBGT Vegetables Because They Have Too Many Issues.”
Needless, the Council was taken aback. The President of the Council, Joab Trimble, so much so that he nearly spilled his drink. The best he could say to the two ambulance chasers was, “You people cannot be serious!” “You bet your bottom Ruffle we are,” replied O’Toole. LeBourne added, “Take a look out your window and you will see how serious we are.”
Trimble raised the blinds and saw a sight never before seen in Harmony County. There were nearly 2,000 protestors, all of whom were dressed as baked potatoes, French fries, home fries, a pile of mashed potatoes and every other conceivable for of ‘mickey’ known to man. The kids that with their parents were dressed as ‘Tater Tots’. There was even a guy dressed as a bowl of grits who was there to show solidarity.
Things were starting to get ugly. Even to the point where the ones dressed as raw potatoes were starting to turn brown and curl around the edges. The whole situation was deteriorating and the sheriff had to step in.
The sheriff accessed the situation he decided to call out the SWAT team. Within minutes his group of riot busters showed up, They formed a line behind their shields and did the “stockade shuffle” towards the over-baked potatoes. They looked like they were armed as usual, but close examination revealed that instead of tear gas they were carrying canisters of sour cream, and sprinklers of salt. Even the back-up firemen hoses were filled with melted butter instead of water.
The crowd was rapidly dispersed much to the amusement of the onlookers. However, it was a bit tricky for them to run away since the ground was rather slippery. Trimble was very pleased with the outcome and told the lawyers that their complaints would be taken under consideration in the near future, say in 2035.
Feeling smug, the council returned to business as normal. Then into the chambers stomped Ms. Hixsey Yenney, the local ACLU representative. She had clenched in her hand a lawsuit from the “Sweets” claiming prejudicial actions by the council.
That was when the chives hit the fan. © 2014, Jim McGowan