This week’s humor award winning column will be out on Thursday. It deals with Harmony County Christmas shopping.
The Christmas Season here in Harmony County is in full swing. As you can well imagine we put a special spin on it with our unique customs.
It started, as it usually does, at Granny Fanny Feinstermacher’s place for Thanksgiving dinner. Since Granny Fanny is getting on in years she occasionally gets confused. When I walked in I asked, “How is the turkey coming?” She gave me a quizzical look and replied, “What turkey?” I said, “Granny, it is traditional to have turkey on Thanksgiving.”
She stated, “No its not. We’re having eagle.” I was taken aback. I then inquired, “Well, OK. What did you stuff it with?” She looked surprise again and said, “Stuff it, stuff it! I didn’t have to. It wasn’t hollow.” I went vegan for that meal.
The next day was the infamous ‘Black Friday’. If you think things can get rough in other places you should see what goes on around here. This is the only place I have ever seen a Wally World surrounded by sandbags and concertina wire. Trust me, Al Qaeda would have a better chance of storming a USMC outpost. Then again the ‘rug munchers’ aren’t as well armed as Harmony Countydiots.
On Saturday it was a picture perfect day for the big game. Just like ‘Jack Armstrong All-American’ said, “The day of the big game dawned clear and bright.” No not the Clemson vs. The Gamecocks. That’s nothing more then a bunch of sissy-boys running around playing tag. I’m talking about real football. Auburn vs. Evilbama in the Iron Bowl. Well, by now every sentient being in the universe knows the results.
I want to thank everyone for their concern for me after the Auburn victory. I was told by my friends in the ICU that I was continuously mumbling “Hey Alabama, Hey Alabama, Hey Alabama. Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, we just beat the hell out of you!” When they finally released me the MD recommended I should follow golf. What a kidder.
The Sports department here at the ‘Weekly Blister’ hasn’t sobered up since the game. But then again they rarely are sober, so it was not much of a surprise. They are still celebrating the East Mudhole Teachers Tech win over the Curly Top School for Hairdressers in 2006.
But there were a few less than wonderful things that occurred. The Sheriff’s Department has put out an All Points Bulletin for the three individuals who mugged the Wally World Santa, stole his bag and put his two elves, Dorky and Geeky in the hospital.
They are described as; females, between the ages of nine and eleven, approximately 3’6” to 4’, with curly blond hair, blue eyes and dimples. The Sheriff warns that they are notorious cutesy pies, extremely dangerous, and on a massive sugar high.
Cyber Monday flopped. Try as they would the locals could not figure out a way to practice their favorite way of obtaining goods and products, shop lifting.
So much for the ‘Spirit of Christmas’.© 2013, Jim McGowan
The Affordable Healthcare Act, better known as ‘Obamacare’, has arrived in Harmony County with much excitement. Since it was IRS agents leading the van their welcome was very similar to the welcome associated with those provided by the folks who woke up to find Genghis Kahn pounding at the gate.
The provisions of the Act hit the citizens of Harmony County particularly hard. Over 85% of the people who had policies lost their insurance. That percent comes out to six folks.
Normally Harmony Countidiots are a pretty hardy bunch. Coughs and colds, sneezes and sniffles, cuts and bruises, minor gun shot wounds are pretty much taken in stride. The usual forms of self medication are consuming large quantities of smokable or drinkable personality altering substances.
However, once the word got around that the Act was ‘freebie’ medical care things went sideways fast for the County Medical Community.
Since the residents in these parts are tight lipped and do not give up personal information easily no one signed up for ‘Obamacare’ via the much vaunted, efficient computer program. That meant the beloved IRS agents had to take down the information the old fashioned way, by hand, all 35 forms for each individual.
As it turned out of the first 100 people that went through the line 45 were named ‘Smith’, 28 were named ‘Jones’, 26 were named ‘Johnson’ and one was named ‘Sensecakavitch’ (obviously new to the county.)
The gathering throng began to loose patience quickly after standing in line for a couple of hours. Somebody yelled, “Let’s rush the joint!” and the stampede was on. After the dust settled there were 16 IRS agents sprawled on the ground with foot prints all over them. Paper was spread over the acreage so much that it looked like a cotton field in full bloom.
The hospital waiting room was Standing Room Only in about three seconds flat. The crowd was way too much for the hospital staff to handle. So the sheriff was called upon to haul in every medic in the county. Unfortunately, one of his deputies got confused and brought in all the veterinarians along too. The upside is that a bunch of people no longer have fleas and arguably the white plastic collars look rather snappy.
Obviously, things had got out of hand in a hurry. After 36 hours of continuous medical mayhem something had to be done. The Harmony County equivalent of ‘Nurse Ratchet’ came up with an idea.
She walked out into the crowd while greasing up a five-foot-long metal fence post. She announced, “The President has announced a change to the ACT. Everyone will be required to have a colonoscopy. Who’s first?” In a matter of seconds the room was vacant and all that was heard were crickets.
However, there was one good thing that came from the whole debacle. Harmony County’s leading senior citizen, Granny Franny Finstermacher, age 94, has received free birth control pills and can get an abortion whenever she needs one, gratis. © 2013, Jim McGowan
I do not know if it is good or bad, but I have become addicted to Facebook. Lately, it is popular to post “X number of things you don’t know about me” stuff on the site. Mostly it is either an excuse to go full dramatic or make a confession. In order to lighten things up here are a few things you don’t know about me.
1. I was born on Alpha Centuri Six. This goes a long way to explain my preference to wear full body tights and capes. This generally draws stares in every place but Wally World.
2. I have taught my cats how to speak; English, Spanish, and French. Fast Eddie is here and I’ll ask him a question, “Eduardo, como esta usted?” He replied, “Meow.” OK, so he needs to work on his accent.
3. I can fly. Admittedly not very far, not very high and I usually end up in the making a three-point landing, both elbows and my chin, as the bouncer heaves me out the saloon door. But, for a second or two the cape really looks great.
4. I am a shift-changer. My favorite other body is the duck-billed platypus. I prefer them over the scary ones like grizzly bears or wolves. Besides, cleaning up is much easier because the ‘billy puss’ does not shed and is easily litter box trained.
5. I eat lobster live, shells and all. It is a dinner and show combined into one. Me with my legs flailing out of the lobster tank. The meal tastes swell, but a tad on the crunchy side.
6. I taught Jackie Chan everything he knows. After his final exam I was in the hospital for only three weeks. However, to this day if I have to walk by a Chinese restaurant I cross the street. You can’t be too careful.
7. I can pass gas louder than anyone on the planet, either end and simultaneously. It is a family trait. You definitely do not want to come to one of our family reunions.
8. All my teeth are pointy. I made a mistake of going to a discount dentist once. He was only open at night. I just wanted a check up, but he knocked me out and when I woke up there were my new toothies. I was weak for about three days and I had two puncture wounds on my neck.
9. I find watching Auburn football games very relaxing. In fact I have been known to fall asleep during the last few seconds of the games out of boredom. This despite the allegations made by my family members that I really pass out from holding my breath too long.
10. Unlike the Irish stereotype I do not drink, nor do I break into song at the drop of a hat, nor dance like I am standing at ‘Attention” from the waist up, nor go through a pint of ‘uisce breatha’ a day.
11. I lie a lot.© 2013, Jim McGowan