There are some ‘bennies’ to living in an all-male household. The Kilkenny Brothers, Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake and I have settled into comfortable bachelor existence. It is not that we do not have any rules, it is just that we only have a few and they are subject to a liberal interpretation.
For instance, “What is theirs is theirs and what is mine is theirs.” While I am allowed to keep their food and water bowls full I cannot share and it is exclusively their job to empty them. The opposite is true when it comes to their litter box. It is my job to keep it empty and it is their job to fill it. They are very good at this job.
As far as the rest of the household duties are concerned The Boys pretty much let me handle them. No one has ever accused me of being a fastidious house cleaner. As a matter of fact the descriptors, “slob” and “pig-pen” have often been applied. But I am not the only contributor to the mess.
Contrary to popular belief cats are not the neatest critters that ever grew a tail. FE and LJ have got their shedding act down pat. After two or three days I have enough cat hair to knit another cat. Dark clothes are not a fashion option around here.
Guests are always welcome. In accordance with Irish traditions everyone is offered something to drink and something to eat. In addition to that I also offer them a blindfold if I see a look of repulsion on their faces when they walk in. Fast Eddie is the official greeter while Lazy Jake lays low.
Kitchen Police is my exclusive task. (Everything a cat cooks comes out tasting like tuna.) With no modesty at all I must admit I am a pretty good spoon. Actually it comes as a defense response. My mother was a lousy cook. In two words picture, ‘boiled turkey’. However, when it comes to the preparation phase I am over enthusiastic. I can make up a batch of say, ‘Coquilles Sant Jacques’ and the kitchen looks like the fridge exploded. This is where skill with a pressure washer comes in handy.
Another great feature is Happy Hour. In the words of Jimmy Buffet, “It’s five-o’clock somewhere.” If you start your day with a hot cup of coffee try a cup of Irish coffee. Buddy, you are about to have an interesting day. (If you usually drive to work here is a word to the wise; call a cab.)
The only drawback comes at beddy-bye time. Cats make lousy bunk mates. It is definitely a territorial issue. I have couches, loveseats, chairs, cushions, etc. out the gazoo. So when the TV goes off and the lights go out it is a race to the bedroom to see who can dive on the bed first. After a bunch of twisting, turning and pillow fluffing we all settle in.
However, The Boys snore.
Recently we have seen a flood of ads concerning getting a college degree through correspondence. The educated set of Harmony County, many of whom have graduated fifth grade, decided to get in on the act and open their own correspondence school. Of course it will have that Harmony County flair.
The School of Chemistry has some very interesting courses. It is taught by Frankie ‘Boomer’ Jenkins. Of particular interest is ‘Meth 101’ This course covers such things as where to buy the chemicals needed, setting up a lab and how not to blow yourself and your dubwide from here to kingdom come.
Agronomy. This course is taught by our resident expert, Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher. It covers those particular care techniques such as irrigation, feeding, side dressing with nitrogen, weeding, etc, of our world famous Carolina Skull Crusher. Also covered are the proper use of a bong and how to roll your own. This bud’s for you.
Restaurant Management. This course is presented by Bubba Wellborn, owner of Bubba’s Flippin’, Sippin’ and Dippin’ Red Neck Saloon’. This course covers such things as; proper bouncing techniques or going for the distance, knuckle breaking for sticky fingered bartenders, proper kickback percentage for ladies of the night, the pool cue in the offense, and how to water down whiskey.
Journalism. I have been honored by the faculty to have been invited to pitch this course. We will follow the guidelines as set down by Mark Twain, “Make sure you get your facts straight, then go ahead and lie.” We will look into how to sleep through a government committee meeting with your eyes open, identifying when a public official is lying (Hint, his lips are moving.), how to disguise your bar tab on your expense account, it takes a very dull mind to spell a word just one way and creative grammar.
IT. Hacking as an Art Form, this course will be presented at seven PM only. The principle instructor, Susie Fhartsnitch, age 11 has to be in bed by nine o’clock on school nights. If you want to go under the radar, disappear from the IRS roles, find out what your significant other is really writing about you on Facebook, make millions overnight and retire immediately to a non-extradition country, or get free access to all “Care Bear” movies (Remember she is 11.) this course is for you.
Automotive Engineering is another popular course. Joey ’60 Seconds’ Prybar is the principle instructor in this course. Subjects include; grand theft auto as a family pastime, the proper use of Ninja Rocks, Slim Jims, Auto Jigglers and Slide Hammers, sell it whole or strip it down, common locations of car alarms and how to disable them and sell it local because crossing state lines makes it a federal offense.
All are invited to apply. High school diplomas are not required. However, when enrolling please do not use the name ‘Smith’. We already have 687 of them. That is one big family. They must be Irish.© 2014, Jim McGowan