As you may know I have been blathering on about football. I also have taken a few cheap shots (Is there such a thing as ‘expensive’ shots?) about the deluge of zombie shows on TV. We all know that the walking dead are just fictional characters, but not so fast, they are real and I have seen them.
Here at the ‘Harmony County Weekly Blister’ it is the season where the sports hacks have to actually work. They have to cover high school football on Fridays, college football on Saturdays, and pro football on Sundays. Depending upon how many people are sports Inkster’s sometimes they have to dragoon people from other desks. I once saw the woman who handles the social pages standing on the sidelines with her camera get smacked by a mob of players on an end run. She got up, dusted herself off in a lady-like manner and kicked one of the players who knocked her down. Fortunately for him he was wearing a cup.
The sports desk weenies are a strange bunch even by media standards. All of them, with no exceptions, are wanna-be jocks who could not make the team. They are the self-described experts in which every game they are covering. They know more than the players, coaches, athletic director, etc. If you do not believe me just ask them.
Normally none of these folks of being overworked. Usually it goes this way; arrive at the game and park in the reserved section with your Press sign displayed so you don’t get towed, flash your Press pass at the gate so you don’t have to pay the ticket, get a free program playing the Press pass ploy, stroll up to the press box, get comfy, snap a few pix, make a few notes, easy-peasy. Maybe interview the winning coach after the game. That is no biggy since they all say the same thing.
Then it is off to your office away from the office (Draft beers $1 during Happy Hour.) Write the story, email it in and that is about it. Come football season there is a radical change. Too many games in too short a time. Hence the Zombie Monday.
The boys stagger in, always late, with blood shot eyes, a three day beard, smelling worse than usual. They are holding a cup of coffee, unlit cigarettes dangling from their lips, collapse into their chair and stare into a blank computer screen for an hour or so. Some uncharitable types contribute this condition to an excessive use of adult beverages or personality altering substances, but in reality it is that they had to work for three straight days. Poor babies.
How do I know about this stuff? Well, when I worked the sport’s desk I went through the drill. I did not become a journalist to actually work. If I wanted to do that I would have gotten a real job. So enjoy the games, we poor, suffering hacks certainly ain’t. © 2015, Jim McGowan
I have been thoroughly confused about the recent news. I thought I have seen it all when every station on the planet went ballistic over Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner and Kim Kardashian. Meanwhile, there was important stuff like Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, newest hair style and what the latest thing that is offending the LGBT community.
All of these important issues have pushed aside things that affect us. Take for instance politics. Right now you cannot turn a page in a newspaper without reading something about Donald Trump. Things have gotten so bad that even the Kilkenny Brothers have started combing their hair the same way.
Get a grip. First off there are enough people chasing after the Republican presidential slot to fill a school bus, albeit the ‘Special’ bus. Second, the convention is nearly a year away. Third, the bought and paid for Republican leadership will do anything, including throwing him under that bus to get Trump out of the running.
Back at the Democratic Committee everyone knows that they don’t have the proverbial ‘snowballs’, chance so they are going to run whoever is dumb enough to want the slot. Even Mother Teresa would not have a shot.
Another non-issue that keeps showing up is gun control. A while back I did the research. If every gun in the country was melted down there would be enough iron to frame 110 Empire State Buildings. If that is not enough picture this, “Knock, knock. Who’s there? We’re here to confiscate your guns.” ‘Click’ that is the sound of the safety being released.
Remember that PB&J sandwich you had for lunch? You should have washed it down with a glass of arsenic. Know why? Because chances are it contained gluten. Ten years ago we never heard of gluten. If we saw the word we would have assumed it was an improper spelling of ‘glutton’. So we merrily munched on our bagels, hamburgers, etc. in complete ignorance. So the next time you have a ham and cheese on rye, say your prayers.
The clock kid has hit the headlines. Put yourself in the position of the school authorities. A Muslim teenager comes into school with a briefcase containing a poorly wired countdown clock. What would you do? I would have gob smacked that kid through the nearest window. Then I would have covered him and his briefcase with a ton of sandbags and called the bomb squad. Profiling? You bet. Oops Mohammed, my bad.
The so-called refugees are flooding Europe. Conspicuous in their absence are women and children. Chairman Mao told us that 10% are sure to be terrorists. He would know. So now the President has ordered 100,000 of them be admitted to our country. That is 10,000 undocumented, unidentifiable potential terrorists. Trust me, our Uncle Sam taught me how to blow the roof off a house without bending the nails with stuff you find in any kitchen. These guys are not going to be driving cabs or working in convenience stores.
Oops, there I go profiling again. © 2015, Jim McGowan
Finally getting a change in the weather here in Harmony County. Things are cooling off just a bit and folks are coming out of their air-conditioned hide-a-ways, blinking at the sunshine and breathing some long forgotten fresh air.
Sitting on the front porch is once again popular and saying “Hey” to the neighbors is back in vogue. This custom has the expected Harmony County twist though. Seeing how many of the folks walking by usually do not want to be identified in the likely event you may have seen them before in photos on the post office wall. Hence the pulled up collars and the hats over the face.
Some of the more hearty souls have been out all season. Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher is one of those. She is an avid gardener and tends to her plot religiously. Around back, out of sight of prying eyes, she has a crop of ‘Carolina Skull Crusher’ coming along nicely. This stuff is sure to get another blue ribbon at the Harmony County Fair. This is one portion of the fair where people are lining up to become judges.
Football season has cranked up. The sport is very popular around here. Unfortunately the Harmony County Hogs are not doing too well. According to head coach, Fernando Doob, “It is getting very difficult to buy officials, recently. It used to be a pregame quart of the good stuff and a hundred dollar bill was sufficient. Of course the ‘zebras’ would be staggering around a bit and there vision wasn’t 20/20, but it made for some interesting games.”
The conference has cracked down hard on steroid use amongst the players. I takes away from the game since you no longer see a 125-pound halfback knocking a 300-pound defender back around ten yards or so. Oh well, “Better living through chemistry” is a thing of the past.
Fall in the County is not like it is in other areas of the country. Instead of the leaves turn colors and gently floating to the ground things here happen in a hurry. One minute you are sitting there watching “Green Acres” reruns. The next you hear a ‘thud’ and all the leaves hit the ground at once. It is time to break out the rake and get with it. Piles less than six-foot tall are considered amateur work.
The leaves are not the only thing that hits the ground in a hurry. The Kilkenny Brother are attuned to the season as well. It is that time of year for them to lose their summer coats and heavy it up for winter. Not that they need to since they are indoor critters, it’s just a cat thing. At any rate everything gets covered with ginger colored hair. It is so bad that the rake comes into play again. Like the say you have enough hair to knit a new cat. Black is not the color of choice if you want to make a fashion statement.
Hey, when does winter get here? © 2015, Jim McGowan