I have a neat little cottage I share with the Kilkenny Brothers here in Harmony County. I try to keep it reasonably tidy and grudgingly do the housework as it becomes necessary. The boys do not help and look upon their primary function is shedding which they do with remarkable skill. That takes care of the inside. My biggest challenge is the outside.
As most folks know plants grow. If they are left to their own devices they grow at an alarming rate. This puts a lie to the folks who appear in the media who insist that anything that grows must be tended to like they were helpless infants. I found that they do just fine without anyone’s interference. Therein lies my problem.
My cottage is surrounded by green things most of which I could not identify if my life depended upon it. This is kind of embarrassing since I went to Auburn whose charter makes it an agricultural college, among other things. I can identify the lawn. It is made up of weeds, dandelions and an odd blade or two of grass. This portion is managed by my grandson who, with the use of bribes and cajoling on my part, does the occasional mow job. The remaining 95% is trees and bushes, really big bushes. If you stand in certain places you would not know there is a house on the property.
Well there comes a point when even I realized that some yard work needed to be done. I reached this conclusion with the assistance of my irate neighbors and some unveiled threats by the Harmony County Department Public Works. They used the ‘F’ word, ‘Fines’.
With such encouragement I finally got up off my tidy indoor butt, dusted the cat hairs off and went outside and did an inspection. Yikes! I can up with a list of 12 must do things to get the great outdoors under control. A few things became apparent.
There was no way my measly collection or rarely used and rusted gardening tools were sufficient to get the job done. Since the use of C4 or other high explosives is seriously frowned upon by County Officials it was clear I was going to need such items as chainsaws, stump grinders and back hoes. It was clearly time to call in the “pros from Dover”. So to insure that all things were equal I printed up a ‘to do’ list for each of them.
The first guy came by and we did a walk around. The most I got out of him was a series of grunts and a vague promise to, “Get back to you.” The next fellow took one look at the list and laughed. The last weed eater seemed more interested in the job and sent me a bid.
I was the one in the pix on the front page of the “Weekly Blister” who had fainted on his front porch grasping a sheet of paper.
Plan B calls for many large herbivores. © 2014, Jim McGowan
Well I am sure that you will be pleased to know that our sagacious Uncle Seamus has gotten time off for good behavior. Consequently, he has agreed to provide us with his wise advice.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have been reading in the papers and watching the news on TV about Ebola fever. What measures can I take to prevent catching it? Thanks, Scared To Death.
Dear STD; There are two things that you can do to avoid Ebola fever. The first is to live in one of those huge plastic bubbles like the one that John Travolta did in the movie, “The Boy In the Plastic Bubble” and you might want to cancel any plans to travel to West Africa. You should also avoid licking anyone that has the disease.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have a very difficult time falling to sleep at night. I have tried pills, counting sheep, listening to the sounds of the sea (Not really the sea, I live too far inland. I just let the toilet run.) But, no luck. Do you have any advice? Thanks, Sleepless in Harmony County.
Dear SIHC; I too occasionally have that problem. Sometimes I just ply myself an excessive amount of personality altering adult beverages. Failing that resort to a less expensive remedy and just pound my head against the wall. The drawback is that you can wake up in some of the most unexpected places. Here is a radical idea. Get your lazy butt off the couch and go for a walk. If you live in a bad neighborhood then you will be going for a run.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am concerned about the issues surrounding gay marriage. I worry that if I get invited to a same sex marriage I’ll not know what to buy the couple. Any suggestions? Gay Gift Giver.
Dear g3; You are treading on some pretty shaky politically correct ground. The traditional gifts e.g. pop-up toaster, blender, wine cork remover, etc. all carry some stereotypical connotations. I would stick with a gift card or you can invite the newlyweds over for dinner. Plus, you might get some interior decorating tips as a bonus.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am appalled at what is going on and not going on in politics these days. The whole country seems to be going down the tube at an ever increasing rate. Is there anything we citizens can do to improve our situation? Appalled Senior Citizen.
Dear ASC; Really! How could you say such things? Everyone knows that our elected officials work tirelessly for our good. Just because they occasionally need some financial support from mega corporations, get most of their information from lobbyists, go on all expense paid three-month vacations to exotic locations and have yet to pick up a check in any restaurant does not mean they are not looking out for us. The above message was paid for by The Committee to Re-elect Everybody. So shut up and vote like you are told.© 2014, Jim McGowan
The Harmony County Attorney General, Edgar Grasper, has unexpectedly resigned his position. This came as a surprise to the locals since there appeared to be something left in the treasury and had not managed to alienate every group in the county most notably the Girl Scouts and the International Gun Runners Local # 14. As one might expect, in Harmony County these two groups are related in that the Girl Scouts sell ammo instead of cookies during their annual fundraiser. (You have to try the mint flavored .45s.)
Grasper’s sudden departure brought disappointment to more than a few people. The Harmony County Security Agency was forced into a huge layoff of personnel. During his tenure this agency boasted that they had listened into more than 3,000,000,000 phone conversations on a Tuesday alone. Unfortunately, they were rather benign. But they did learn that the most popular pizza was the extra-large, double cheese, and pepperoni, and that the fire department was well practiced in getting cats out of trees and that my Uncle Seamus was doing a lively business booking bets, but everyone knows that.
The Harmony County Revenue Service was rather relieved by Grasper’s sudden exit. They had been instructed by the former AG to conduct investigations of some of the more conservative organizations in the county. On the top of the list Bubba Welborn’s Flippin’ Dippin’ and Sippin’ Redneck Saloon. When they entered the establishment and announced themselves you could hear a pin drop. Then you could hear plate glass shattering, sudden thuds and finally some muffled groans.
However, their findings were lost. Not because some emails mysteriously disappeared as was the case in some federal agencies, but because their offices were burnt to the ground by a group of irate Harmony Countdiots. It seems that the fire department was busy dragging Grannie Fannie Feinstermacher’s cat Fluffy out of a tree when the blaze started.
As mentioned above the only groups that were sad to see Grasper go were the Gun Runners and their business partners the Sprouts. While Grasper was in office business was booming. Since selling firearms to the peace loving folks of Harmony County is like selling ice to Eskimos Local #14 had to go across the border to sell their weapons. Things were moving fast and furiously but the word got out and they were shut down.
Needless this called for an investigation. Grasper was called before the Harmony County Council and was told to provide all the documents regarding the weapon sales and to answer questions under oath. Grasper flat refused to supply the documentation, but he did use an oath. But since this is a family paper I cannot repeat that oath.
Grasper was immediately charged with contempt of council. This is rather ironic since it would be hard to find any group more contemptible than the Harmony County Council. Charges were made back and forth much to the amusement of the citizenry.
This was the point when Grasper decided to cut and run. CYA Eddie. © 2014, Jim McGowan