Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It’s a grand new flag.

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Written by harmonycounty

July 2, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

It’s a grand new flag.

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Woof!!! This has been a very interesting week flag and a word that rhymes with ‘flag’ here in Harmony County. The whole Confederate/Rebel/Virginia Battle Flag was viewed without the passion that seems to have taken over the internet social media. It is an old story.

Way back when the colonies declared their independence the Harmony Countydiots supported neither side. They just waited to see who was winning and then they would run up that particular flag. They wore out a lot of rope.

Knowing the reputation of the local yokels both the American and British sent the powers that were a polite note saying that there was no need to fly their respective flags. They had reputations to preserve and not strangely enough they really did not want to be associated with Harmony County.

Nearly one hundred years later the Civil War/ War Between the States/ War of Northern Aggression broke out. Being located in ‘the Heart of Dixie’ up went the Stars and Bars. Not that anyone in the County owned slaves. The feeling was that it was not a good idea to forcibly bring people into the county since these folks were smarter and more honest than the local citizens.

History repeated itself and another polite note was received, this time from the Confederate government saying that their flag need not be raised, pretty much for the same reasons. For the second time the folks in the county were rebuffed. This was an open wound that has festered to just this week. More about this issue later.

The next issue that hit close to home was the Supreme Court’s decision to allow same-sex marriages in all “fifty-six” states, (That is a President Obama quote.) The sanctity of the home and the privacy of the bedroom are important to County folk. However, it has nothing to do with sexual choice. It has all to do with not worrying about any authorities walking into an operational meth lab.

The only guy who was excited by the SCOTUS ruling was Bernie the Attorney. To him it was a dream come true. Not that he is an ardent supporter of gay rights we are talking strictly business. Now everyone has the right to be miserable.

According to the NY Times, “All those married couples can make use of the court system if things go wrong. They can argue over who gets the Tupperware, how to divide the retirement plans and who gets the paintings they bought each other for birthday presents. They can involve all of the mutual friends in a discussion of how much alimony should be paid from one spouse to the other. Once they each spend a fortune on the lawyers, they can even argue over whether one should pay some or all of the other’s attorney’s fees.” Bernie could not be happier.

So now Harmony County has a flag. It is the Rainbow Flag with the ‘Stars and Bars’ overlaid and a Cross, star of David, Buddha, and Crescent moon in the spaces. Everybody gets insulted. © 2015, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

July 2, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

I was powerless

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Written by harmonycounty

June 25, 2015 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

I was powerless

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Last Saturday we had a power outage for about two-and-a-half hours. My immediate response was to check to see if I paid the bill. Old habits are hard to break. Don’t give me that ‘look’. Fess up, you have missed paying a bill or two yourself back in the day.

My next move was to check to see if I blew out a circuit breaker. Since I live in an old house, about 100 or so years old, electricity was added as an after-thought years after it had been built. I am still working on the indoor plumbing. I am not one to rush into these newfangled things, but that is a story for another time.

I checked with my neighbors and those who did not set their dogs on me said that they were experiencing the same problems. Thank God that dogs can’t climb tees, but some of them can jump really high. Oddly relieved that it was not my fault, I called the city to report the outage. Evidently there were a whole bunch of others with the same idea because something we don’t hear much nowadays, a busy signal was buzzing away. No, “Your call is important to us……” on the answering machine.

I figured everything that I could do about the situation was done so I packed the Kilkenny Brothers in ice, they were not pleased, and I settled down on the front porch in a comfy 99 degree day with a cold adult beverage and waited for the power to come back on. Therein lies the problem.

When I am left alone without any diversions such as the TV or the ‘puter I start to think and thinking usually gets me into trouble. My bright idea was every time the power company kicks out the plug it is we bill-payers that get to suffer. So, why not break the dependence and get off the grid with either solar or wind, or a combination of both? I made a few calls and the local solar sales rep came over on Monday.

We have all seen the car dealership commercials on TV where the salesman comes across as the most pushy, obnoxious person ever. You can switch channels or if you go to the lot you can run off screaming. However, when you invite one to your home there is no place to hide.

The second Mr. Polyester walked through the door it was pitch city. I could barely get a word in edgewise. Those words were, “um, er, ah” and “but”. A one-sided conversation indeed. So after about an hour we finally got down to the bottom line, $27,000 and $8,000 installation, batteries not included. Woof! I pay around $2,100 per year on electricity. That means it would take me a little over 16 years to break even. No batteries!!! What about cloudy days and that daily occurrence we call night?

I finally had enough. I gave him the bum’s rush and bought a battery operated fan. © 2015, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

June 25, 2015 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Humor

Ask Uncle Seamus 3-15

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Written by harmonycounty

June 18, 2015 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

Ask Uncle Seamus 3-15

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Dear Uncle Seamus; I am a big fan of educational TV. I like the shows that are about archeology. However, I don’t understand why the eggheads take so long in digging up stuff? I never see them using tools bigger than an artist’s paintbrush. How come? Shovel less in Sumter.

Dear SIS; The real purpose of the exercise is to make money. If these jokers had to work at real jobs and get paid for production the earth would fly. However, they get paid by grants and the longer they keep things going the longer they get paid. Kind of like politicians except the pols shovel something else.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Recently the news has been filled with stories on atheists or gay couples or legalization of marijuana or gun confiscation. Where do you stand on these issues? Concerned in Cayce.

Dear CIC; As of this day I am officially coming out for atheist, gay, married couples that protect their marijuana with guns. Having said that did I fail to offend anyone? If so, read the rest of this column, I’m sure I’ll get to you.

Dear Uncle Seamus; Last weekend was the US Army’s 240th birthday. It was also the Queen’s birthday. Who is older and where do I send the cards? Remembering In Ravenel.

Dear RIR; Hands down Queen Liz has seniority. She still runs around yelling, “Off with his head!” The cards: For the US Army it is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington D.C. with an appropriate message, in Arabic. It should include some comments about loyalty, honor, integrity, Americanism, patriotism, responsibilities of duty, defending America, etc. For HRH send it to Buck House in London, England. Do not use an Irish name on the return address as it would automatically be x-rayed, soaked, shredded, and blown in place.

Dear Uncle Seamus; What is with this weather? It is too early for 100 degree days. Is there any truth to global warming? Perspiring in Pelion.

Dear PIP; We live in the SOUTH! This time of year it gets hot around here. Yes there is such a thing as global warming. It happens every year. It is called seasons. There are hot months, cold months and months that transition into each. Are you the same whiny sissy who was complaining about the cold last January?

Dear Uncle Seamus; According to the media a white woman posed as a black woman in Seattle. She was also the head of the local chapter of the NAACP. What is up with that? Befuddled in Batesburg.

Dear BIB; To be perfectly honest I am as befuddled as you are. I mean if you are going to pose as someone of a different race or nationality the obvious choice would be to call yourself Irish. That way if someone called you stubborn, argumentative or belligerent you could honestly agree with them and not be offended. No harm, no foul. Then you could join the Ancient Order of Hibernians and march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. We have T-shirts. © 2015, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

June 18, 2015 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

Tagged with ,

He? She? It?

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Written by harmonycounty

June 11, 2015 at 4:42 p06

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