Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Droning on

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Droning on.

Written by harmonycounty

July 23, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

Droning on

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Not to be outdone, the recent fascination with drones has come to Harmony County. To say the air is abuzz is putting it mildly. It has gotten to the point where even the crows are walking. Probably the only good thing is that parked cars are no longer the targets for aerial bombardment.

For quite some time Rev. Graball of the Harmony County Church of The Blessed Collection Plate had the monopoly on droning. Every Sunday morning when he was in his pulpit you were guaranteed two things. The first you were about to spend three of the most boring hours of your life in an extremely uncomfortable pew. The second, if you could refrain from snoring, you could catch up on your sleep since you came crawling through the door at two a.m. Falling out of the pew is frowned upon.

The utility of the current airborne fad was quickly grasped by some of the more enterprising Countydiots. Those who are involved in the personality altering substance trade found a new delivery system. The phrase, “Getting high” had a new definition. This did not last too long since the Sheriff quickly put up some drones of his own. Some interesting mini-dogfights followed and the drones with badges soon controlled the sky over Harmony County.

Some of the more curious people in the County have turned the drones to their advantage. The ‘peeping Toms’ of the county have expanded their area of operations. Various beaches and pools now have steady buzzing noises coming from above. However, the operators have not taken into consideration the fact that most Countydiots are armed and know how to use their weapons. The last time that much flak was in the air was during the Battle of Britain.

One of the snoopers made a costly mistake in target selection. Grannie Fannie Finstermacher occasionally likes to sunbathe in her back yard. She does wearing only a smile. The drone was at high altitude and the operator moved in for a closer look. To his horror he found himself staring at wrinkle-city. He gasped in horror and lost control of his aircraft. It crashed nearby. The poor guy has not had a night’s sleep because of a recurring nightmare. Some things just cannot be forgotten.

People are not the only ones who are having difficulties with the drones. Hunting dogs throughout the County are going wild. Bird dogs in particular are going nuts. With all the drones flying around the pups immediately take up the point and freeze the minute they go outside. The county is now filled with hairy statues in every dog run.

As you might expect folks have become fed up with 100’s of these things flying around invading all types of privacy. A guy can’t set up a meth lab or grow a half-acre of Carolina Skull Crusher without having the spies in the sky buzzing about. You can bet every lawman is tapping into the broadcasts.

Consequently, the price of shotgun ammo has gone up too.© 2015, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

July 23, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

We are offended

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Written by harmonycounty

July 16, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

We are offended

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Now that everybody is being ‘offended’ by everything, the Kilkenny Brothers have gotten into the act. Normally Fast Eddie and Lazy Jake are pretty laid-back. They spend most of the day snoozing or checking out their respective Facebook pages. They like the pix of all the cats. However, since everyone is flapping around about just about every subject they too wish to vent on what offends them.

“First and foremost are dogs. To we cats dogs smell bad, have fleas, are constantly going in and out, make terrible noises, eat the our food and always do as they are told. This last trait is what gets to us most of all. You see to us dogs are Democrats.

“Flags also tick us boys off. It does not matter what kind of flag or what it represents. It can be an American flag, a Confederate flag, a state flag, etc. The problem with flags is that they flap. So when we are napping on the window sill on a breezy day the flags are flapping like mad keeping us awake.

“Gays, straights or sex in general is also distressing. All of the vocal and very public discussions and arguments is almost impossible to comprehend. To us sexual preference is very private and nobody’s business. This may be due to us having our bags unpacked when we were kittens, so we have nothing to brag about.

“Hardcore religionists of any persuasion makes our fur rise. Everybody claims that their particular deity is the only one and they are willing to kill for it. Humans are just unaware that the Supreme Being, “Fluffy” rules over all from his golden litter box in the sky. Bow down and be humble.

“As you know we cats are very territorial. Crossing borders is a strict no-no. In the Kilkenny household there is only one human allowed and only because he keeps the food and water bowls full and the litter box clean. Anyone or anything that comes near the place is an interloper and most unwelcome. The most hated of these invaders is the ladies that come by every two weeks and turn on their ‘roaring’ machines and scare the daylights out of us. Even our human gets scared, but he just runs away. He cannot fit under the bed where we hide.

“Change is evil. There is one place and one place only where the food bowl is to be place. It is to be filled with only one kind of kibbles. The water bowl is to be three inches directly to the left and is to be filled with filtered water, not this poison that comes out of the tap. We get our treats every day at 4 p.m. exactly. Play time is between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. daily. Racing through each room is required, and is to be accompanied by the appropriate growls, mews and hisses.

“Now that you have read what we find offensive aren’t you ashamed of yourself for hurting our feelings?” © 2015, Jim McGowan

 

 

 

 

 

Written by harmonycounty

July 16, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

A shark’s tale

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Written by harmonycounty

July 9, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

A shark’s tale

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We all have been reading about the sharks (the aquatic equivalent of lawyers) who have been enjoying some Southern food along the Carolina coast recently. Unfortunately those yummy snacks have been attached to bathers in relatively shallow water.

Not to be outdone we in Harmony County also have had some issues with Carcharhinus leucas. Despite the fact that Harmony County is inland there are some of these finny beasties that can swim up rivers. (For those flea-milkers that insist upon accuracy, Bull sharks have been caught up the Mississippi as far north as Saint Louis.)

Now nobody can accuse a Harmony Countydiot as being a ‘tree-hugger’. The closest anybody ever came to being one was when Uncle Seamus was out on his Harley coming home from the saloon and hit a tree head on. He went over the handlebars and gave that oak a big hug. So when some sharks showed up in the local open sewer we call the Harmony River the folks took action.

So a couple of days ago the ‘big toothies’ showed up and started to feast on the local game fish much to the chagrin of the Harmony County fisherpersons (PC). In these parts these fish are the biggest source of free protein other than the occasional hog that goes mysteriously missing from various secure pens throughout the county.

So the fisherpersons went to work to eliminate the problem. First they tried the usual methods using a rod and reel. As you might imagine a 300-lb shark can turn a large-mouth bass or catfish rig into an expensive handful of splinters, gears and busted string in micro-seconds. It is also insulting when the game leaps out of the water and spits a well chewed, $12.00 lure back at you.

Next they tried hand fishing with 600-lb test dacryon line, a chain leader with a meat hook they got from the butcher shop. Well it did not take long. However the results were the opposite of what you would expect. Instead of the sharks being caught the fishers got yanked in. While it is true that one cannot walk on water if you provide the inspiration one can run on it.

Enough was enough. It was time to break out the heavy artillery, literally. It seems that a few of the lads had some leftover TNT from a stump blasting job. Well, this method did the job, but only in a tiny local area and much to expense of every window in a mile radius. Another unwanted response was the arrival of a bunch of PETA folks who immediately set up a picket line, complete with media support. It looked like the county had some new residents.

However, the shark problem was solved by none other than Grannie Fannie Fenstermacher. This time of year Grannie Fannie likes to take a dip in the river. Being a daring senior citizen she swims in her birthday suit. The sharks approached, took one look and they were gone. Thanks to Erin Mathews who came up with the column idea. © 2015, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

July 9, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

It’s a grand new flag.

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Written by harmonycounty

July 2, 2015 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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