Dear Uncle Seamus; I have a serious problem with hornets. They have taken up light housekeeping under the arm of my wicker chair on the front porch. Now the porch is ‘off-limits’. How can I get rid of them? Stung In the Belly.
Dear SIB; You may be looking at this all wrong. There is a definite up side to having your uninvited house guest around. First is the exercise inherent with trying to escape their attentions. We are talking a half-hour worth of aerobics in 30 seconds of jumping, slapping and running down the block. Second, when the Jehovah Witness show up at your front door just tell them to have a seat on the porch and you can watch them do the Hornet Dance. Third, who would you rather have as houseguests, hornets or in-laws?
Dear Uncle Seamus; Things in life have been very stressful lately. The bills are piling up, my car is in and out of the shop to the tune of $300+ a visit, and speaking of tunes my next door neighbor practices his bagpipe at 2 AM while marching up and down in his driveway. What can I do? Stressed Out Seriously.
Dear SOS; There are some simple steps to reduce your stress. You can use the Zen method. Simply sit quietly and close your eyes and repeat your calm word. Do this every day for about 15 minutes and the stress will flow away. Another method is the ‘Irish Method’. Pound about six or eight shooters of Irish whiskey in a half-hour. Stress and consciousness will flow away. As far as the bagpiper is concerned get a hold of SIB’s hornets.
Dear Uncle Seamus; I am very concerned about the “illegal aliens’ problem that has been spread across the news. What can I do if that problem presents itself here in my hometown? Get Out of Town.
Dear GOT. Who are we talking about? The little gray guys who talk with ‘beeps and boops’ or those that favor beans, rice and tortillas? If it is the first group just have them watch a couple dozen of reruns of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” and they will figure out that we are a race lacking intelligence and they will be back on their way to Cede Alpha Six as fast as their saucer can carry them. If they are of the ‘Latino’ persuasion, what shape is your lawn in?
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have two cats. They have got this shedding thing down pat. Everything is covered with cat hair and you can forget about wearing dark clothes. What can I do to solve this problem? Fuzzy in Philly.
Dear FIP; There are two ways around this problem. First is to render them non-compos mentis and shave them. My preferred way is the ‘scrub-a-dub-dub’ method. Set your clothes washer on gentle and give them a ride. Then place them in the dryer on air dry. They are going wobbly and puffed out hairballs, but that will pass.© 2014, Jim McGowan