We are all familiar with the famous Norman Rockwell painting, “Freedom From Want”, of the family gathered around the dinner table enjoying a Thanksgiving Supper. If you were to convert my family’s Thanksgiving into an art form it would be more like a movie by Quentin Tarantino.
Things start off in the usual manner. The police stop by and set up the metal detectors at both the front and back doors. In addition to their normal uniform they are decked out in full body armor, carry half-gallon cans of industrial strength pepper spray and a golf bag full of cattle prods. None of those sissy tazars for them.
I usually get busy in the kitchen early in the morning. Fortunately I do not have to stuff the bird. Eagles come already stuffed, but the feathers are a mess. I normally like to prepare a second meat dish. Something you normally cannot find in Wally-World. As you can imagine the Kilkenny Brothers get a little nervous and silently disappear under the bed. The year it is stuffed skunk.
Like all good guest everyone asks what they could bring. The first year I told them to bring whatever they wanted. Consequently, I ended up with enough mac and cheese to feed the 2nd Battalion 506th Infantry for a week. Now I tell everyone to bring wine. This year even that may be a problem because I don’t know what goes well with stuffed skunk.
The mob starts to arrive around two p.m. or so. Many are in a white and black striped coveralls, are chained ankle to ankle and are accompanied by guards. Other just go through the ‘pat-down’, an electronic finger print check and eyeball scan. Grannie Fannie Fenstermacher keeps on going through the pat-down station until the cops toss her out.
I have a little sign at the front door that says, “Check your guns and knives here. If you don’t have a gun or a knife a limited selection is available in the office for a small fee.” It is the usual setup in the parlor. Booze on the right, drugs on the left. I usually have the football games on the TV. This keeps a bunch of the folks busy on their phones since they are ‘Sporting event consultants’ (Read bookies).
Finally it is chow time. The kiddies have their own table in a room where the walls are covered with plastic sheets. That makes it much easier to clean up with a pressure washer. It sort of looks like the mess hall in the Youth Detention Facility.
The adults are in the dining room where everything is set up. You can bet I make a complete inventory of the utensils before and after the meal. The conversation is pretty much the same every year. Sports, summer vacations, good lawyers are the topics. With all of the local law enforcement weenies are around there is an absence of arguments. Din-din over there is a burping competition. Grannie Fannie is the odds on favorite.
Well Happy Thanksgiving to all. If you feel lucky come to my place. Bring ‘skunk wine’.
Following a long standing tradition in the Clan McGowan my grandson Jake has joined the military, in this case the US Navy. This burst of patriotic fervor was brought on in the usual manner. The judge told him he could join the military or do 12 months in the joint. Consequently, “Anchors Aweigh” was a no brainer.
He signed up to be a meteorologist. Jake is not the SEAL team type. I thought that was a pretty good choice. Then he went on to say he thought that would keep him on dry land. I had to explain to him that the US Navy is all about the big gray things that go far, far away and bob around on what we call an ocean. I also explained that the folks in charge of the gray bobbers have an intense need to know about all things weather related. He seemed surprised. I told him not to worry. The USN has a well earned reputation for great chow and he could look forward to three hots and a cot. I also told him that when he is not weathering he is going to be swinging a paint brush. The Navy is very big on painting. Unfortunately, it is always the same color. I also clued him in on the fact that until he gets his ‘sea legs’ he is going to be ‘riding the rail’ getting rid of that great chow in a very unseeming manner.
The family decided to throw Jake a going away party. I am all about a party no matter what the excuse particularly when someone else is buying the beer. Or as they say in the USN, “Any port in a storm.” Things went as might be expected. His mother and grandmother were all teary eyed. His dad and I just stood back and watched him get embarrassed by all the hugs. From the fuss the women made you would think he was going on a one-way trip to Mars. His father and I are infantry vets and were of the opinion that the worst thing that could happen was for him to come back with a STD.
He is the Navy’s problem now. He is about to learn that senior NCOs are not his friend and have a shockingly poor knowledge of basic anatomy, that sleeping in ends around five a.m., that the military has a strange fixation on shined shoes and well made bunks, and everything the government issues you is just a loan and they want to be sure that you are taking good care of it, hence the weekly, “Junk on your bunk and things on the springs.”
Well, the best of luck to Jake. He is about to learn some lessons that cannot be learned elsewhere. I leave him with this advice, “Watch out for those guys from New Jersey.”
Just in case I think I am going to have a talk with my broker about buying some Iranian war bonds.
Most of us have managed to be seduced by the evil that is Facebook. According to
FB Hilldog is good and Bernie is bad. No, hold on, Bernie is good and Hilldog is
bad. Wait a minute, Trump is going to destroy America. President Obama is the
greatest president ever. Ah geez, I got that backwards. President Obama is evil
and Trump is going to save America.
My personal favorite is that Elvis and Bigfoot were seen in Wally World picking
out curtains. Could it be that they are an item?
There are a few staples in the FB world. One of them is pix of kids and
grandkids. Admittedly some of the little munchkins are cute and all, but on a
scale of one to ten most of these little burpers are hard pressed to get a
three. I never post any photos of the McGowan Clan. If you want to see what they
look like just go to the Post Office and look at the bulletin board.
Pets are also a very popular subject. I am guilty of this one. The Kilkenny
Brothers have had their fuzzy mugs plastered on the net. Much to my surprise no
one made any comments. Then it occurred to me that the old saw, “You’ve seen
one, you’ve seen them all” may apply. The picture of a kitty cat may not be all
The downside of the critter pix are the ones of the animals that are up for
adoption. I have a soft spot between my ears for animals. The people who run
these adoption agencies are to be admired. However, when these sad visaged, and
lonely pets are hundreds of miles away there is no way I can adopt them.
Particularly when our county adoption facility is less than two miles away and
FB also can be considered an electronic yard sale. Some of the stuff flat defies
description. I saw a complete set of six soup bowls in various colors. They were
in the shape of a toilet bowl. Let that set in. Care to buy a collection of
adult toys? They were only slightly used. One thing for sure DO NOT buy any
vehicles on FB. This is hard experience talking. That truck I got in August has
spent way more time in the shop then it has in my shed.
There are some upsides to the FB postings. I have seen and tried some of the
recipes. A few of them I would never have thought of myself. They are nummy.
However, the extra poundage I have put on is the price I paid.
The downside are the inundation of celebrity postings. Trust me on this one, if
I never see another article about the Kardashians (Pick one, anyone.),
BradJulina, or that he/she/it Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner my life will go on.
Well, I guess I have let off enough steam. I’m going to hook up with “The King”
and his hairy buddy for a few cocktails at the local saloon. “Thank you. Thank
you very much.”
I signed up for Microsoft Office. A big mistake. I haven’t figured out how to transfer the columns to WordPress. Sorry.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
- A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
- “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”
- I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- And finally, there was the person who wrote twenty different puns, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make the reader laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!