Harmony County

Stuffed snake du jour.

I have been hawking the tube. I prefer the ostensibly educational channels. Recently they appear to have degenerated into certain types; jerks supposedly finding ghosts, jerks doing dumb things in the woods, jerks doing dumb things in the swamp, or jerks visiting far-off lands and eating things that would get you into big trouble with the ASPCA if you fed it to a hog.
Leaving the first three groups with the suggestion that they should not operate any power tools more potent then an electric tooth brush, if they had teeth, let us move on to last group, the two-legged, bottom feeders.
There are few shows where the hosts travel the world in search of local delicacies. With very few exceptions no matter what they eat is invariably the best thing they have ever tasted. Oh, really?
Chef Anthony Bourdain has a new (?) show, on of all places, CNN. It is the same as all his other shows. He is as snarky as ever however, he goes to the most exotic places and I think that is his big draw. Just once instead of him saying how delicious everything is I’d like him to take a mouthful of the local chow, spit it across the room and yell, “That tastes like @#$%!”
As Americans when we travel we are all told to respect the local customs. However, I think the word got out and there is a universal practical joke being played on us. It is my belief the instant the indigenous figure they are dealing with an American they get the most disgusting organ from the filthiest beast, prepare it with the weirdest seasonings and serve it to us, claiming it is a real delicacy only served on special occasions to special guests.
Then they sit back and watch us turn green as we swallow, weakly smile and tell our hosts how delicious it is. This inevitably ends up with us getting a generous second helping of the foul goop. When we leave they end up rolling on the floor, laughing till their stomachs hurt, but not nearly as bad as ours.
But you do not have to travel to the ends of the earth to observe these phenomena in action. We have all observed the reactions of our visitors from the (insert insulting adjective or adverb here,) North when they are confronted with our staple, grits.
Consider this; people from the North eat ‘Cream of Wheat’, ‘Cream of Rice’ and oatmeal. All of these are nothing more than ground grains that are boiled. But when faced with what amounts to ‘cream of corn’ with their noses turned up they look as if they have just been served a under cooked portion of stuffed snake. Yet when in Charleston they are lined up around the corner waiting for our classic, Shrimp and Grits. Go figure.
So here is my advice. When visiting foreign lands in addition to learning, “please” and “thank you” in their lingo also learn, “Where is the closest McDonald’s?” © 2013, Jim McGowan

Beer science.

At last! A scientific breakthrough that will benefit all person-kind. According to a recent news release from the Seattle PI, “Okay, there’s global warming and nuclear North Korea and some other big topics out there, but one thing spring weather has us worried about is the age-old problem of keeping your beer cold.
“ Thankfully, a University of Washington climate scientist decided to tackle the problem and found out the romantically dew covered bottle or glass of beer/wine cooler/chilled white wine (etc.) will warm up faster because of the condensation on the bottle.
“So, want to keep that bottle colder longer – keep it dry.
“ ‘Probably the most important thing a beer koozie does is not simply insulate the can, but keep condensation from forming on the outside of it,’ said Dale Durran, a UW professor of atmospheric sciences.”
Now that is your tax dollar really working for you. Just imagine the hard work and study that went into this ten-year-long effort.
Picture if you will a group of dedicated scientists gathered in a room at the university. All with recording thermometers hooked into an extensive computer system. There are the can testers, the bottle testers and the glass testers, half have koozies, half do not.
At the front of the room is the time keeper. He is calling out the time and at regular intervals yells, “Sip”. In the background are the doctorial candidates, rushing back and forth with coolers, sacks of ice and hauling away trash bags full of empties. This is true science hard at work, a team effort.
Sometimes the pace is too much. Some of the researchers can not keep up. They are asleep in their chairs, heads back, snoring like bears in hibernation. Others collapse from shear effort ending up with their heads in strategically placed waste cans making some rather unpleasant sounds.
As you might imagine, the long lines to the restrooms went around the corner, filled with unsteady researchers leaning against the wall.
So it went on, month after month, year after year, liver after liver. Some cannot keep up the harsh pace. Some are forced to drop out. When they returned to their homes some of their spouses are less then pleased. Others gather together in a support group. It is the best educated chapter in the history of the AA.
There are beneficial spin offs from this effort. The cans were recycled sufficient to build 1,476 Toyotas. The bottles provided enough glass to provide windows for an all glass, 150 story building.
There was one major drawback. Once the experiment was finished the beer bill was presented to the head of the department. He took one look and the first sonically produced earthquake was ever recorded.
But remember, the principal rule of scientific experiment requires that the findings must be repeatable. Right now hundreds of scientists are testing the results. So let me know how it works out for you.
Personally, I have never kept a beer open long enough for it to get warm. ©2013,Jim McGowan

House Rules.

With the warm season sometimes upon us I will be entertaining a mob of house guests. They are all very welcome, but I think that we should review the ‘House Rules’.
1. A gift is always appreciated. Depending upon the length of stay I recommend; a three bedroom, penthouse apartment on 5th Avenue overlooking Central Park or, a late model, top end, Lamborghini or, beer.
2. I pride myself on my coffee. I order gourmet beans, roast them, grind them and then brew some excellent coffee. However, the ingredients are; coffee grounds and hot water. That is it. So if you want a double cappuccino latte, half-café with a smiley face on top you are out of luck. So if it is 2 AM and you simply must have an exotic cuppa I suggest you go a few blocks south to a local all-night coffee shop. But, be warned, that is the hour when the saloons close and you will probably make some new, special friends, all of whom will be plastered and most of who will be armed.
3. I strongly recommend that when you use the facilities you close and lock the door. This is not because I have any respect for your privacy, which I don’t, so much as for your protection. As I have mentioned I share the place with two cats, or more correctly, I have two cats that share their place with me. Their words to live by are, “What is mine is mine, what is yours is mine.” They consider the toilet paper their private property, a source of exercise and amusement, and do not share. If you use five sheets you will get a growl. If you use six sheets you will get a swipe with sharp claws. If you use seven or more sheets I will have to rescue you and spray the cats down with a CO2 fire extinguisher. What we will have is a Kodak Moment of me peeling two semi-frozen, extremely irate cats off your face with your pants around your ankles. The pix will be on the Internet within seconds.
4. There is not a lot to do in Harmony County. The choices are limited to:
A. Going to the local historical site that has a couple of restored cabins from the 1700’s, all of which have better plumbing than my place. It also has a stockade that looks like it could not stop a determined four-year-old on a tricycle, and a big empty field. All of this left over from the British occupation during the Revolutionary War. The limeys were not driven out, but merely got bored and went back to Charleston where there was better booze and friendlier gals.
B. Go fishing
C. Play golf
D. Sit on my porch, swap lies and drink beer. When we get hungry call for a pizza. No fuss no muss.
With reference to Rule # 1 I am all for observing Rule # 4D to the fullest extent.© 2013, Jim McGowan