Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Hairless heinies

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Here is another one that makes me wish I could make this stuff up, “A six-month study by AgriSearch, an on-campus research arm of Dalhousie University, has shown that genetically modified (GM) cucumbers grown under license to Monsanto Inc. result in serious side effects including total groin hair loss and chafing in “sensitive areas”, leading to the immediate and total ban of sales of all that company’s crop and subsequent dill pickles.
The tracking study of 643 men and women in Nova Scotia came about after reports began to surface about bald field mice and the bald feral cats that ate them being discovered by farmers on acreages growing the new crop.
“The bald wild animals raised a huge flag and we immediately obtained subpoenas for the medical records of all 600 plus adults who took part in focus groups and taste tests of the cucumbers by Monsanto in Canada,” said Dr. Nancy Walker, Director of Public Health Research at Dalhousie. “Fully 3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all…these people now have hairless heinies.” – Robin Steel, Reporting for The Lapine
Now if there is anyone who needs as much hair as possible it is the folks living in Nova Scotia. I have been there in the summer and the local yokels are sweating it out when it hits 75 degrees. I got into a conversation with one of the resident canucks who told me, “I missed last summer because I was in the snack bar having coffee, I remember the one before that, it was on a Tuesday.”
Consequently the winters are such that Frosty the Snowman heads south in mid-September not to be seen until mid-June.
We all have foods that affect us in different ways. Myself I cannot handle hot peppers. I was once in Mexico near Vera Cruz. I was in a restaurant and asked the waiter if the food was hot. He assured me that it was mild saying, “Our children eat this.” One bite later I was rolling on the floor trying to pull my tongue out. That day Corona had a sharp upswing in sales.
A strawberry for me is a one-way trip to ‘itch city’. Where the cukes do the job without any assistance from the consumer I have to take the ‘hands-on’ approach. Not all that bad except for that one time at a supper on the lawn when I had the church ladies whooping like a Comanche war party.
But there are some safe foods. Have you ever heard of anyone with an allergy to beer? In my circle there are some reactions to the excessive use of the stuff but that has never stopped any of my friends from continued application. I mean they don’t all run down the street naked singing dirty cowboy songs.
But one cannot help but wonder if Monsanto might turn this all around and advertise a biological bikini wax.© 2013 Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

July 11, 2013 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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