Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The things two-leggers do — Harmony County

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(This week’s column duties have been taken over by those award-winning kitty inksters, The Kilkenny Brothers.) “I guess the heat finally got to our Boss,” said Fast Eddie. “… Source: The things two-leggers do

via The things two-leggers do — Harmony County

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July 4, 2016 at 4:42 p07

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The things two-leggers do

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(This week’s column duties have been taken over by those award-winning kitty inksters, The Kilkenny Brothers.) “I guess the heat finally got to our Boss,” said Fast Eddie. “…

Source: The things two-leggers do

Written by harmonycounty

June 30, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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The things two-leggers do

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(This week’s column duties have been taken over by those award-winning kitty inksters, The Kilkenny Brothers.)

“I guess the heat finally got to our Boss,” said Fast Eddie. “He is walking around in little boy pants, I’ve seen better legs on tables, and we’re the ones in fur coats.”

“With all this heat one of the odd things about our human is that he is heliotropic. He gets up at sunrise and crawls into our bed when the sun goes down. He just does not enjoy the fun stuff he can do around midnight. It was just the other night and we were playing ‘tag’. Ours is a fun game leaping on and off tables, chairs and counters. Lazy Jake jumped on the bar cart the other night. Bad move, because the whole thing came crashing down.

“Bottles, mugs and a big lamp hit the floor making a fearsome racket. That got old ‘lazy bones’ out of our rack in a hurry. The noise had us heading for the tall and uncut in a hurry. The words that he was yelling cannot be printed here, but he was very upset. Fortunately for us he isn’t very accurate with his kicks, but he was certainly trying for a 50-yard feline goal.

“Things finally settled down and he started cleaning up the mess. He was grumbling all the time. I guess he didn’t like soogeeing the deck at 2 a.m. We supervised from a safe distance. I guess we should cut out the ‘tag’ stuff for a while.

“A nice thing he did for us was finish off the back deck. He surrounded it with screening and put on a roof. He even put two of those whirly things on the ceiling. He put in a comfy couch and a TV. We are out there most days watching “Animal Planet” However, when it rains the roof makes a racket. Oddly our human likes that best. He hogs the couch and drops off into a deep sleep. Oh well, there’s no explaining things that the two-leggers do.

Fast Eddie continued, ” The other day my brother, Lazy Jake, and I were taking our afternoon snooze. We cats need around 18 hours of sleep a day or we’ll get cranky. Anyway, we were making our afternoon ‘Zs’ and we both woke up suddenly. The evil ‘red spot’ returned.

“Well we weren’t going to take this lying down. It was time to go into the attack,” said Eddie. Try as we might we can never catch it. You remember Lazy Jake?”

“Yeah bro, the ‘red spot’ is bad news”  said LJ. “But one day we will catch it and when we do we will never have napus interruptis again.”

“Sleep well, my friends,” said  Fast Eddie, “And don’t let the red spot bite.” Lazy Jake added.© 2016, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

June 30, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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Written by harmonycounty

June 29, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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OK doc, yeah right — Harmony County — Harmony County

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Everytime I go to the doctors I get the same lecture. Essentially it is, “You smoke too much, you drink too much, eat too much red meat.” These people have got to get some new material. Well, that all may be true, but it is only true now. How many of us were told that […] […]

via OK doc, yeah right — Harmony County — Harmony County

Written by harmonycounty

June 29, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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OK doc, yeah right — Harmony County

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Everytime I go to the doctors I get the same lecture. Essentially it is, “You smoke too much, you drink too much, eat too much red meat.” These people have got to get some new material. Well, that all may be true, but it is only true now. How many of us were told that […]

via OK doc, yeah right — Harmony County

Written by harmonycounty

June 26, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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OK doc, yeah right

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Everytime I go to the doctors I get the same lecture. Essentially it is, “You smoke too much, you drink too much, eat too much red meat.” These people have got to get some new material.

Well, that all may be true, but it is only true now. How many of us were told that certain food or drink items were strictly verboten and now are OK or even good for us? Take for instance coffee. Up to a few weeks ago caffeine was a silent killer. Now the medics are saying that is actually good for us.

Putting aside the killer caffeine issue can you imagine running a newspaper office, or any office for that matter without a pot of Joe in the breakroom? The military without a cup of mud would go nuts and those people have guns and know how to use them!

Smoking is truly bad for you. I have to agree with that. Now they are saying that the electronic butts designed to help you quit are even worse. I can tell you that quitting is extremely difficult. The last time I tried, after three days they caught me trying to burn a church down.

I tried quitting by switching to cigars. I was OK, but the Kilkenny Brothers had coughing fits and when I went to bed they watered them down in a rather unsanitary manner. The first puff I took was a nearly life ending experience. They just looked at me and did cat guffaws. Back to the butts.

Red meat is also a no-no. Really, OK tree hugger do a hard day’s work and what would you rather sit down to, a snappy kale salad with vinegar and oil or an Angus ribeye, medium rare smothered with mushrooms and a baked spud with butter and sour cream on the side. Sorry Bossie, but you are on your way to that great feedlot in the sky. And please don’t get me started on bacon a gift from the god of hogs. So, TH-ers, pretty please with sugar on it, name one health food that tastes good.

Remember, I work hard at living up to the classic Irish stereotype. Consequently me and ‘the drink’ go back a long way. However, if you don’t like booze or think it is wrong, don’t drink. But watching an athletic event without a beer or a glass of merlot to accompany the aforementioned steak certainly is enhancing. Eight tequila shots washed down with a six pack is de rigueur after attending a Harmony County Commission meeting.

So let me sum it all up with an old joke. “A fellow goes to his doctor for an annual exam. After the exam the doctor tells him, “You have got to quit smoking, knock off the booze, eat more veggies and exercise.” The patient asks, “Will that help me live longer?” The doc replies, “No, but it will certainly seem that way.”© 2016, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

June 23, 2016 at 4:42 p06

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