Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Tis the season to be FOOTBALL!

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The time of year that we all have been waiting for has finally arrived! It is Football Season! It has been said that if Southerners had to choose between their football stadium and their church bur…

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Written by harmonycounty

September 1, 2016 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Humor

Tis the season to be FOOTBALL!

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The time of year that we all have been waiting for has finally arrived! It is Football Season! It has been said that if Southerners had to choose between their football stadium and their church burning down, they would be standing in a parking lot next to a burned, smoking ruin come Sunday morning. They are the only folks I know that think Christmas interferes with the season and should be in July.

I live in South Carolina. The entire population is divided into two groups. There are University of South Carolina Gamecock fans and Clemson University Tigers. Since I am an Auburn University graduate I am looked upon with something between suspicion and pity. (For the record the Kilkenny Brothers are University of Kentucky Wildcats fans, go figure.)

Kids around here start early playing football. The Pop Warner League begins with five-year-olds. I goes on and on until even our senior citizens are out there banging into one another. The game is much slower, you can’t do the 40-yard dash in a walker and expect a sub-900 second time. It takes all the refs to break up a pile-on tackle. Also the water bucket is filled with “Ensure”.

The sports pages are filled with nothing but football. All of the writers fancy themselves prognosticators who are experts in predicting the outcome of games. Usually, after the first game they discover that they were not the know-it-alls they thought they were and the pawn shop is filled with slightly used crystal balls.

The saloons put up a dozen or so TVs. Frankly all those things blaring away, each with a different game, confuses the daylights out of me. However, the barkeeps do a land office business. After the game the clientele is divided between celebrants and sobbers. That is the time to leave because the brawl is about to start and the scent of pepper spray will soon fill the air.

I just follow SEC football. There are those who can tell you the standings in every college conference and each pro division. Simply put I just can’t keep up with all that info, plus my liver couldn’t stand all that abuse.  If the weekend is not enough now they have games on Monday and Thursday nights. Com’on gang, enough is enough. I know fanatics who’s wives have left them in September and they did not realize they were divorced until February.

I have gone through the usual procedures to get ready for the season. I arranged for a weekly delivery from the liquor store, put the pizza guys on alert, called my bookie, got out all my War Eagle decorations out and hung my Auburn flag on the front door. Since the first game is against Clemson I sand-bagged the front door and taped all of the windows. Things will get shaky if Auburn wins.

I hope everyone enjoys the games and hope your team wins, except if they’re playing Auburn. WAR EAGLE!!! © 2016, Jim McGowan

 

Written by harmonycounty

September 1, 2016 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Humor

Vacation, where to go? — Harmony County

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Recently I have been talking to my friends and relatives asking for there recommendations for a vacation spot. The most frequent recommendation is Ireland. My response is, “Admittedly they have good booze, but the food is terrible. Worst of all, why would I want to go to a country filled with people like me?” Back […]

via Vacation, where to go? — Harmony County

Written by harmonycounty

August 26, 2016 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

Vacation, where to go?

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Recently I have been talking to my friends and relatives asking for there recommendations for a vacation spot. The most frequent recommendation is Ireland. My response is, “Admittedly they have good booze, but the food is terrible. Worst of all, why would I want to go to a country filled with people like me?”

Back in the day our Uncle Sugar sent me all over the world. I have spent time in places the names of which most folks cannot even pronounce. Try saying, “Tegucigalpa” or “Popocatepetl” one time at any speed.  In some of these places menu choices consisted of species that are distantly related to us who could climb trees and had a propensity for bananas. We will not discuss what passes for booze.

However, I got lucky and was stationed in Germany. It was there I perfected my shivering techniques. Those folks go through two or three snow shovels a year. The chow is so-so. The know their way around veal, but everything else is in sausage form. Here is a little known fact. Everybody raves about German beer.  But, they keep the best at home. The stuff we get here is what they use to wash their cats.

France is a lovely place. I once had somebody say to me, “It so much more beautiful than the States”. That earned a ‘Gibb’s slap’. I replied, “Look here, dummy, they have had 2,000 to 2,500 years to get it right!” The food is good. The waiters are not. If they were serving at the Last Supper, the apostles would still be waiting for dessert.

My favorite European destination is Spain. If you get a chance to go make sure you see Barcelona. They have some of the best seafood restaurants on the planet. Their wine is the best. Make sure you wear your walking shoes, that city has some serious hills. Do not fool with the police. I was walking down the Rumbas (Barcelona’s main drag) and heard two plainclothes cops yell, “Halt”. Then they chased a guy down and tackled him and proceeded to lay a whoopin’ on him that would make a NYC blue suit turn green with envy. No passerby even blinked.

Italy is very nice. I went full bore ‘Tommie Tourist’ when I was there. Those old Romans sure built a lot of stuff. The food there is nothing like what they call “Italian” here. One thing you must be mindful. The Paisans do not know how to drive and the display that ignorance at about 30 to 40 kph over the posted limit. A word to the wise, “Take the train!”

I no longer need to see the world. I think I’ll take my vacation here stateside. As far as it goes this year may be a ‘staycation’. The Kilkenny Brothers and I will lay on a generous supply of beer and catnip and kick back and watch The Travel Channel. © 2016, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

August 26, 2016 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

Ask Uncle Seamus 8-18

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Dear Uncle Seamus; I am thoroughly confused about the upcoming national elections. Hilldog is calling Hairball the worst possible choice because he allegedly hates everyone. Hairball is calling Hil…

Source: Ask Uncle Seamus 8-18

Written by harmonycounty

August 18, 2016 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

Ask Uncle Seamus 8-18

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Dear Uncle Seamus; I am thoroughly confused about the upcoming national elections. Hilldog is calling Hairball the worst possible choice because he allegedly hates everyone. Hairball is calling Hilldog an incompetent liar who should be locked up for every crime in the book. (BTW, how does someone lose 33,000 emails?) So, who should I vote for? Signed – Confused in Cayce.
Dear CIC; I have to admit that both of the leading candidates make me want to move to The Bahamas no matter who gets elected. The one glimmer of hope is Vermin Supreme, the whack-job from New Hampshire who wears a rubber boot for a hat and three neckties at the same time. He has yet to announce his selection for VP, but I suggest either Pee Wee Harris or SpongeBob SquarePants. If you are going coo-coo, go full out. Just remember, regardless who you vote for, the Harmony County motto, “Vote early, vote often.”
Dear Uncle Seamus; I have been watching the Olympics. I do so enjoy those exciting sports such as ping-pong and badminton. Be still my heart. However, what is with this ‘green pool’ flap? Keeping a pool clean is not exactly rocket science. Signed – Greenish in Gaston.
Dear GiG; There can only be two reasons for the unusual tint of the pool. The first is that the contractor pulled the old switcheroo and when he was supposed to install a high power filter he put in a smaller, cheaper model and pocketed the difference. Or they let the Irish team practice in it right after they had a few beers.
Dear Uncle Seamus; Now that school is back in session I find that I have a lot of time on my hands. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to occupy myself when they are hitting the books? Plus, do you have any kids? Signed – Bored in Batesburg.
Dear BiB; To answer your second question first let’s just say that I get Father’s Day cards from all over the world. In response to the first questions you should find a hobby that interests you. You too can continue your education. Or, get up off your lazy butt and GET A JOB!
Dear Uncle Seamus; According to the world renowned climate expert, Al Gore, we are all supposed to freeze to death any minute now. However, there are other experts that say we probably won’t for the next couple of thousand years. Should I stock up on sweaters or up-gun the air conditioner? Signed – Sweating in Swansea.
Dear SiS; Just how long have you been on this planet? We have a fickle lady called Mother Nature living here. She calls the weather shots, totally ignoring anything the science nerds or wanna-be’s say. Rule of thumb; Here in SC it is hot in the summer and cold in the winter. Just stick your confused head out the window. Copyright 2016, Jim McGowan

Written by harmonycounty

August 18, 2016 at 4:42 p08

Posted in Humor

The things two-leggers do — Harmony County

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(This week’s column duties have been taken over by those award-winning kitty inksters, The Kilkenny Brothers.) “I guess the heat finally got to our Boss,” said Fast Eddie. “… Source: The things two-leggers do

via The things two-leggers do — Harmony County

Written by harmonycounty

July 4, 2016 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor

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