Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Communist Chinese know how to capitalize

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   Talk about a sweetheart deal, it seems that the Communist China government has come up with another very clever capitalist shake down.

   They have formed an unofficially named company called, “Rent-A-Panda”. The leaders of the Workers Paradise will rent to a zoo one of their pandas for a cool $1 million a year plus substantial fees. So far they have leased out 12 to zoos in the U.S. and have another dozen spread around in other countries.

   How bad is that? The renters get to build special cages, feed the critters (an adult panda can go through 100 lbs of bamboo in a day), try uselessly to get Mr. and Mrs. Panda to make a pandette and do all the vet stuff needed to keep a notoriously sickly animal healthy in a place it was never intended to be.

   All the Chinese have to do is drop off the adorable little fur ball and collect the swag.

   All of this is done in the name of cute. How much cute can you get for $1,000,000? You can get a mountain of kittens for that amount. Who knows how many puppies? There’s a lot of cute in puppies and kittens.  What about all those kids in the Disney movies? The screen is dripping with cute.

I keep on getting letters from friends saying how cute their grandkids are. I’ve heard the old saw about all babies being cute. Anybody care to tell me how cute baby scorpions are?

   If your local zoo can’t come up with a megabuck and desperately want a cute fix, I can help out. For half of that rental and no special fees I will be more than happy to get in a panda suit and roll around on the floor of any old cage during business hours. Since the article said, “pandas spend 98% of their time either sleeping or eating,” how tough could it be? I’m drawing the line at that pandette thing, though.

   However, if some smart aleck kid decides it would be fun to heave an apple or orange at me, that kid will quickly learn that a panda can do more with a piece of bamboo than eat it and swear like a trooper.

   Think about this exchange between a mother and her kid. “Johnny, where did you get that lump on your head?”

“A panda hit me with a piece of bamboo, Ma, and than he called me a miserable, little *&^%$#@ and if he ever saw me again he’d feed me to the @#$%^&* badgers!”

Johnny may end up with a pair of lumps and his mouth washed out with soap.

   This little bit of larceny gives me an idea. I’ve got a genuine American alley mink named “Booger”. He is a perfect disgrace to his species. He is clumsy, noisy, hasn’t washed himself since the first Clinton administration and his accuracy at the litter box is strictly hit or miss. Anybody want to rent him for $10,000 or $1,000 or maybe $10?

© 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

February 28, 2009 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana

Tagged with , , , ,

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