Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Pope Benedict XVI visits Harmony County

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 An unexpected surprise occurred when Il Papa’s motorcade stopped in Harmony County due to air-conditioning problem in the Pope-mobile.

“Mien Gott!” exclaimed the Pontiff, “It’s like an oven in there. And the double bean burrito I had at the Mexican Embassy ain’t helping.”

   Of course this unscheduled stop had the Secret Service escort in an uproar. Here they are stuck in a quaint, little rural community filled with people, most of whom are packing quaint, little handguns. However, The Sisters of St. Trixie, the militant arm of the Poor Claires, were on the spot to help with security.

    The agent in charge of the detail said that no help was needed and curtly dismissed the Mother Superior’s offer. A big mistake. With a nod from their leader the nuns drew their deadly, 18” hickory rulers and in a flash there wasn’t an agent there who wasn’t sucking on his aching knuckles.

   Mother Superior then confiscated all of the agent’s sunglasses, “I want to see your eyes, young man,” and their walkie-talkies, “You can talk to your friends during recess.”

The mortified agents were then marched, double file, to St. Bingo’s Elementary School where each had to write, “I will never contradict Mother Superior” one hundred times on the black board. A dark mark on the reputation of the Secret Service.

   A hasty parade was organized by the county leaders. Since the Pope-mobile was in the shop the float normally used by the Chittlin’ Queen was pressed into service. Walking along side were sunglassed nuns with excellent communications, rulers at the ready.

   The parade was lead by the Dolly Parton High School’s Fabulous, High Stepping, Bosom Buddies Marching Band. They were followed by the Volunteer Fire Department’s ladder truck, the ladder reaches up to 20’, not really part of the parade a farmer on a John Deere tractor who was just going to the other side of town to cut hay, the Sheriff’s Mule Posse and His Holiness, in the Chittlin’ Queen’s throne, throwing devil’s food cookies to the crowd. (Though some less than generous folks would say he was throwing them at the crowd. Let’s just say Il Papa has a good arm.)

   Everyone then gathered at Bubba’s BBQ for a celebratory meal. When it comes to ribs it can be honestly said that the Pope is a holy terror. I’m glad I don’t have to pay his dry-cleaning bill. He had his picture taken with all the local politicos to include a cheek-to-cheek with the reigning Chittlin’ Queen. And who would of guessed that the Pope new all the words to “Up Against the Wall You Redneck Mother”, in German.

   The Pope-mobile was hastily repaired. A prayer of thanks was said in the honor of the inventor of duct tape. A cooler of longnecks placed in the vehicle just in case and the Pope was last seen speeding out of town doing some very fast laps on his rosary. © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

February 28, 2009 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana

Tagged with , , ,

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