Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Shopping tips when scoring nose candy

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   Recently local authorities busted four dope dealers and then set up a sting operation in the raided homes and arrested 18 more potential customers. (One of whom pulled up in a garbage truck.)

   We here at the Harmony County Weekly Blister have always tried to maintain a balance in our reporting. Even though it may be counter productive to our readers in general we offer the following suggestions to those stoners who seem to be ‘situationally unaware’.

 When approaching your dealer’s home and you notice six or eight patrol cars in the front yard. Those are the ones that are painted alike and have flashing blue lights on the roof. Chances are they are not there for the annual Policeman’s Barbecue. This might not be a good time to make a buy.

 If there are no patrol cars in the front yard, but upon entering you find a person who is wearing what appears to be a dark blue uniform with shoulder patches from a law enforcement agency and is carrying a gun. This person is probably not there moonlighting a second job.

If there is a neatly groomed, physically fit individual sitting where the sales rep from ‘Fast Eddie’s Farmasuitickles’ usually sits, and we know what kind of a snappy dresser Fast Eddie is, try to control your need for personality altering chemicals.

If Fast Eddie is not there and you ask whoever is in his place where he went and the reply is, “He had to take his mother to see her parole officer.” And you know she isn’t eligible for parole for at least three more years.

There is a pile of handcuffs on the coffee table. Fast Eddie might be a little kinky, but that much hardware is pushing it.

There are three or four people in the room and each has a German Shepherd on a leash and the dogs are very attentive to each of your moves.

There is some muffled swearing and soft ‘thuds’ coming from another room in the house.

Your eyes are watering and the seller says that he is just cooking up a batch of five-alarm chili. The wearing of a gas mask by anybody is always a tip-off. 

There are a bunch of people in full chemical suits wandering around the back yard.

 The place is surrounded by yellow ‘Crime Scene Do Not Cross’ tape. In the middle of July, Fast Eddie may have his Christmas lights still up, but the tape is not part of the ambiance.

Last, but not least, the dealer says he will take a check. All the warning lights should come on. No dealer in the world will ever take a personal check.

    However, if you persist in ignoring these simple suggestions it is pretty certain that you will be in for a true ‘life altering’ experience where you will undoubtedly make some new special friends, learn to hate baloney sandwiches, acquire some primitive, yet interesting tattoos and become a unintentional naturalist from watching the “National Geographic Channel” endlessly. © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

February 28, 2009 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana

Tagged with , , , ,

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