Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The California cure for buttage depredation

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   Men, our prayers are answered. “This season, the world of men’s underwear will forever be changed. With his new collection, fashion designer Andrew Christian introduces Flashback Butt-Lifting and Contouring Technology that gives men the illusion of having a sought-after “bubble butt” without having to spend hours in the gym. The design and construction of the underwear automatically lifts the buttocks making it look more firm and round,” from a recent email, the Andrew Christian Company of, where else, North Hollywood, California.

   I’m having great difficulty typing this column because of the tears of joy that are raining down on my keyboard.

   No longer will I be the source of derision because of my bony butt. No longer will they kick sand in my face at the beach because of the lack of junk in the trunk.

   No longer will children point at me and laugh saying, “Hey Mister, did you leave your ___ in your other pants?”

   No longer will I have to go to sessions of the CHSG (Cat Hams Support Group) and bemoan my fate with my fellow buttally challenged sufferers.

   Now I can rejoin society to enjoy a firmer, fuller life. I will have the much admired “bubble butt” for only $29 a pop.

   Let’s face it gang you can’t make something out of nothing. No amount of padding, straps, braces, rebar, baling wire or saw dust is going to make grandpa’s tail feathers “bubble”.

   Looking around here I bet that Andy may have a tough time making the sale because the bare bones look is extremely popular among the 50+ set.

   However, the “Flashback Technology” may, excuse the expression, back fire. If you hop into a pair of Andy’s best you could suffer from a strange disorientation. You are going to be riding considerably higher in the saddle. Things are going to be farther away than they used to be. The keyboard will move away, so will your suppers. People may ask if you have gotten taller when you are sitting down.

   What happens if you lean to the side and you fall off your underwear?  What if you back into a stove and you don’t feel anything until it is too late? “Does anyone smell anything burning?” That is going to be very embarrassing explaining to a giggling bunch of folks in the emergency room.

   Suppose you are giving a presentation and your gotchies develop a list to the starboard, nobody is going to pay a bit of attention to what you have to say.

   However, you will be impervious to the old tack on the chair trick. 

   Andy has his photo in the ad. I’ve got veteran underwear older then Andy. So I’m not giving up on old friends. The ad describes Andy Fanny as “uber-trendy.” So put me down as an ‘unter-trendy’ because my ‘tighty-whiteys’ are here to stay.

   The ad then goes on to say that Andy is, “a household name.” I’m still trying to figure out what household and where. But, I suppose on Planet California, Andy is the Tushie King. © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

February 28, 2009 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana

Tagged with , , , ,

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