Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Harmony County news update

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   The grace and beauty of Harmony County were in attendance at the ‘Open Trunk’ sponsored by Bubba’s Unlicensed Pharmacy located around the trunk of Bubba’s 1983 Oldsmobile. Everyone was having a high time up until the unexpected arrival of the Sheriff’s Narcotics Enforcement Team. It was surprising to see the many of those present display abilities that would make a track coach drool.   

   We have been experiencing our quarterly population bounce. As usual, it is not due to the normal movement of people moving in and out of the county, but more with the efforts of the Solicitor’s Office. In this session, 84 of our more reckless citizens with their unique disregard of local, state and federal statutes will not be with us for between five and 30 years, with time off for good behavior. Remember to check with the appropriate detention facilities for the dates and times of visiting hours.

   The word “migracion”, or words that sound similar, still continues to be considered a four-letter-word by our undocumented friends and neighbors. Local restaurateurs and lawn-care foremen have complained that the word has an astonishing effect on their employees. They seem to disappear to the sound of crashing dishes or the ‘putt-putt-putt’ of driverless power mowers wandering off in the distance. You are requested to be mindful of this fact unless you are pursuing a new career in the service industries.

   The Harmony County Institute of Art and Vinyl Siding, in an effort to keep up with the times, has added a new course to its curriculum. “Tattooing; The Art of Undying Love” has been an instant success. A parallel course, “Forget The Cheating @#$%^&*! Through The Use of the Laser Eraser,” is scheduled for next semester.

   The Harmony County Volunteer Fire Department has been added to the “Guinness Book of Records.” The department has the world record in calls for meth lab explosions with 214 in a 12-month period. This distinction has a certain drawback in that the firemen coming back from the explosion site often beat the engine to the station by running cross-country. Better breathing/filtering apparatus is on order.

   An increase in the identification and return of missing children throughout the county has been experienced through a simple addition. Not only are the photos and particulars of the child on milk cartons, but the same identifiers have been included on beer cans.

   As the song title goes, “Everything old is new again.” A revival of the old game of pitching pennies is regaining popularity amongst the young folks, though with a touch of the macabre. Instead of bouncing the coins off of alley walls, chalk body outlines have been substituted as the target. (I didn’t make this one up. It was supposed to have happened in NYC.)

   The Harmony County Recreation Department has added a few new programs aimed at our senior citizens. “Pumping Aluminum”, “Square Dancing In A Walker” and “Kick Boxing With Your New Hip” are just a few. In addition to the minimal fee, a signed parental permission form is needed.

    More later.© 2009, Jim McGowan





Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana

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