Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It’s lying time again

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   Everyone who has not lied on their Income Tax return please stand, raise your right hand and whistle “Dixie” with $3.43 cents worth of pennies in your mouth. No takers? Why am I not surprised?

   The only place that might rival the amount of lies as found on a tax return could possibly be a divorce court.

   So we are off to the races compiling all our receipts, pay vouchers, bank statements and other related paperwork in order to justify our annual larceny.

   I remember after a particularly disastrous football season I once tried to list the Atlanta Falcons as dependents. The IRS didn’t go for that. I then put Fast Eddie’s fees, my personal gaming consultant (read ‘bookie’), down as business expenses. Once again, in their inevitable hard hearted way, I got turned down. The IRS types are not known for liberal interpretations of their 9 million page rule book.

   I was audited once. That experience is right up there with root canal work without the benefit of anesthetic. In the pregame my accountant and I went over the books and figured out what our approach was to be. Summed up in two words it was “Deny everything”.

  In walks the IRS guy and the torture began. My accountant, who was a few minutes before a veritable Churchill of defiance, rolled over like a puppy wanting his belly scratched. The IRS puke laced into me big time and I ended up a bunch lighter. All the while the accountant is in the fetal position, on the floor, whimpering. After the meeting I had two more words for the accountant, “You’re fired.”

   So every known advertising media is now awash with plugs to come on down and figure a way to beat the government. Be warned. The IRS makes all the rules and they interpret them in anyway they want.

   So be careful with the claims these tax prep guys make. If they mess up you still get to pay the tab.

 

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Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana

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