Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

MPG- Miles per Golfer

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 An old Army buddy of mine, who is an avid golfer, sent me an email concerning his favorite game. In it was the following quote, “A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.”

   This, I believe, is the way to approach the most ridiculous pastime yet invented.

   I used to play with another ex-GI who was a religious man, a great family man and a gentleman of the old school. That is except when he got on a golf course. If he flubbed a shot he would blaspheme using terms that would embarrass a dock worker. The squirrels would fall out of the trees, bunnies would faint in horror and deer would head for the shelter of the woods as if their tails were on fire.

   Once, when one game was over, I asked him why he got so upset over a silly game. He looked at me quizzically and asked what did I mean? I replied that I never heard him swear, but when he was playing golf he expressed himself in terms that make a ‘shock jock’ blush. He insisted that he did no such thing and believed he was telling the truth.

   However, the proper attitude toward the golf was once displayed to me.

   I was sitting in the club house enjoying an adult beverage. I looked out the window and saw a fellow marching down the middle of the fairway. The only thing that he was wearing between his golf shoes and ball cap was a smile. Evidently a bet was made concerning the longest drive and the loser had to finish the hole naked. I wonder where he put his golf glove when he was putting.

   Professionals, such as doctors, lawyers or bankers are fully capable of acting in ways that are absolutely out of character. How much trust would you have in your accountant if you found out he was strolling around in his altogether on a golf course. Golf can do that to you if you let it.

   There are a set of ironclad rules that prevail in the game. Contrary to them I submit, for your consideration, the ‘McGowan Rules of Enjoyable Golf’.

1.      One mulligan on the 1st and 9th hole and a bonus mulligan on both sides of the course.

2.      If stuck in a bunker the golfer is allowed to pick up the ball, face away from the pin and toss the ball over his shoulder at the pin.

3.      After three putts pick up the ball and go away.

4.      Wear the same clothes you would if you were going to work in the yard. It is silly for middle-aged guys to dress like pimps while stumbling through the woods looking for a lost ball.

5.      Play the game according to the adage attributed to Mark Twain, “Golf is a good walk spoiled,” in mind.

6.      Don’t take the game seriously. No one will ever play like Tiger Woods.

7.      Take along some beer. It is important to replace lost body fluids.


Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana

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