Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Not even a catfight

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   One of the participants in an event that was described as a “riot” claimed the event was a “second 9-11,” according to a New York Daily News report. This might be stretching it a bit.

   The TV show, ‘America’s Next Top Model’ was holding auditions at a NYC hotel last weekend. People started lining up on the sidewalk outside the night before. That must have made the hotel manager very happy.

   Some time on Saturday morning two guys got into a loud disagreement with threats being exchanged. Next a BMW with a smoking engine pulls up and someone yelled, “It is a bomb!” This is when the alleged riot started.

   After it was over, a few minutes later, the two people were taken to the hospital and three people were arrested. I’m guessing here, but the arrestees must have given some lip to the cops in order to become guests of the city.

   If you want to give a bad time to the cops, the NYPD would be the last group I would choose. Andy and Barney might take it, but I’ve seen a NY cop holler ‘Freeze” and an entire street of people turned into statues, this includes pedestrians, panhandlers, two nuns, assorted stray cats and dogs and me.

   Six hundred or so bimbos in stiletto heels with allied hairdressers and makeup artists in tow is not what I would call ‘riot’ material, ‘catfight’ maybe. I cannot envision the wannabes heaving bricks, often referred to as ‘Irish confetti’ through windows and setting fire to police cars. They spent big bucks on a manicure and would not want to risk breaking a nail.

   If you are looking for personnel to fill out the rioter ranks you need to look elsewhere.

   Soccer fans, either English or Latin American, come immediately to mind. Here’s a bunch of guys, with enough beer and booze between them to float a battleship, just looking to a fight. Ostensibly, a riot at a soccer match between El Salvador and Honduras was the cause of a war in the 1960’s.

   Another way to recruit a bunch of after-hour shoppers and amateur arsonists is to go to Los Angeles, beat the hell out of a convicted drug dealer and let the fun begin. Mention Rodney King to a California insurance salesman and he will faint.

   It used to be that the fans at the annual Auburn-Alabama game were just waiting to go on a rampage. They did once and since then every cop in Alabama and the National Guard refer to the game day as, “Overtime Day,” because each and every one of them is there.

   Granma in her walker can knock over a bank in Mobile, make a clean getaway and not worry about being pursued because Mobile’s Finest is at the game with a golf bag full of night-sticks and a tank of industrial strength pepper spray strapped to his back.

   Sorry to the NYC gals and guys who thought they were in a riot, the catfight didn’t come close.

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Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

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