Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Saint Patrick’s Day observations

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   With Saint Patrick’s Day a few of days away I thought it would be appropriate to outline a few important, but little known SPD facts and customs.

1.      Anyone who wants to be Irish for a day is cordially invited. It might be a bit tough to convince people that McBloomberg, O’Torrsiello or McWang is Irish, but give it a shot. Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal do it every day.

2.      The best corned beef and cabbage I’ve ever had was prepared by a Hungarian chef in a Jewish restaurant. He had an accent thick enough to stand on and called it “Corn-ned beef unda gahbage.”

3.      Irish coffee is prepared by putting two teaspoons of sugar and an ounce and a half of Irish whiskey in a stout glass mug. Fill the mug to an inch of the top with strong coffee and pour lightly whipped cream to the top. I think I’ll have one.

4.      Green beer is an abomination. You will be hunted down and punished severely by the beer police if you order it.

5.      St. Patrick did not drive the snakes out of Ireland. He drove the lawyers out of Ireland.

6.      For those non-Irish personnel who wish to express solidarity with us Harps, City Hall is offering a special service. The mayor will paint your ass green free. If you are in a rush, a drive-through, spray painting booth will be located in the parking lot. Simply drop’em, hang your cheeks out the window, a quick spritz, which should be an unusual sensation and you are on your way.

7.      Another Irish coffee recipe is two teaspoons of sugar, one and a half ounces of coffee and fill to the top with Irish whiskey. Hold the cream. I think I’ll have one.

8.      New York City has the largest SPD celebration in the world. The cities that claim they have the second largest are too many to count. If you can’t be in the Big Apple on the 17th try Savannah. Even if you fall into the river the cops will fish you out and send you on your way. You’ll just be one of many soaked celebrants. This is experience talking.

9.      Feel free to sing, at the top of your lungs, as often as you wish. However, you may sing “Danny Boy” only once during the day. Enough is enough. If you are caught singing that tired, old tearjerker more than once you will get 30 days in the joint on the all-Irish diet. (See #10 below.) 

10.  Irish food is awful. Remember the universal Irish recipe. “Boil for 30 days and serve,” and beware. (One of the shortest books in the world is “Irish Haute Cuisine”.)

11.  Under no circumstances wear orange. You may be a fan of Syracuse, Clemson, Tennessee, Auburn or any other school with orange as its color. This is not the day to display school spirit. Think of how you will look in black and blue.

12.  A third recipe for Irish coffee is taking a stout, glass coffee mug and fill it to the top with Irish whiskey. Save the coffee for the morning of the 18th. I think I’ll have one.

13.  Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to everyone! © 2009, Jim McGowan.

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Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana

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