Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Shelter the Gitmo homeless

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   The President has ordered that the brig housing the terrorist suspects in Guantanamo Bay in Cuba be closed and the inmates taken to a yet to be determined location or locations.

   Some people in Charleston got a severe case of NIMBY (Not in my back yard) when the news came out. Charlestonians are generally known for their hospitality and their ‘laid-back’ attitude. So their recalcitrance towards welcoming the poor, misguided new citizens comes as a bit of a surprise.

   The rumor was that the boys might be housed in the Charleston Naval Base Brig. The locals went into NIMBY overdrive saying in the event of a prison escape the lads would be running loose in town.

   This does not make sense. To my knowledge the purpose of a jail break is to get as far away from the prison as fast as your flip-flops can carry you. I can’t quite imagine seeing guys in orange jumpsuits down at the open-air market bargaining for sea grass baskets, souvenir T-shirts and high explosives.

   But, I do have a few suggestions as to the housing problem now facing the government.

   How about Antarctica? The boys might like a change of climate and scenery. It’s isolated and should be easy enough to keep them in one spot. Where are you going to run to when stuck in the middle of nowhere surrounded by tens of thousands of square miles of ice and snow? The only ones who may complain are the penguins and they have problems of their own.

  There is always Newark, N.J. What do you think of the time between the last prisoner getting off the bus at the corners of Broad and Market Streets and the disappearance of the same poor individual? There are some parts of that town where mugging is considered an art form.

   Perhaps that is too harsh. A trip to Paris might be in order. One of the principles that the boys in orange adhere to is the need to attract attention to their acts. I wonder how they would feel when they are ignored by the waiters and taxi drivers just like any other tourist. Even screaming “Jihad” at the top of their lungs is not going to improve service.

  No good? There is always Utah. Let the Mormons get hold of them. By next summer they’ll be a bunch of very polite, yet slightly confused, guys in white shirt and ties with turbans and beards on bicycles in your neighborhood. Mormons can be very persuasive.

   There is one relatively easy way to solve the problem.

   Remember during the Mariel Boat Lift of 1980? It was during that evacuation of 125,000 Cubans that Fidel emptied out his prisons and insane asylums and put them on the boats mixed in with the good Cubanos. Well, “Turn about is fair play.”  So why not return the favor?

   March the lads up to the main gate at Gitmo, stamp in indelible red ink on their foreheads, ‘Fidel es un cabeza de poopy, grande.’ And shove them out into the waiting arms of an adoring public.

   At any rate, where ever they end up we are sure of a media circus. They and the lawyers are going to be the only ones to welcome them to town.

  

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Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Politics

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