Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

What about the most common drug’s aftereffects

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This attractive, mature lady comes on the TV screen and she is hawking a new super drug. She starts into her spiel praising the great things the pill is going to do for you.

She does a voiceover during scenes of happy, carefree couples playing golf, dancing the night away or looking out over the rail of a cruise ship while she lets us know how happy we’d all be if we started popping the pills.

While the happy scenes continue the announcer then goes on to outline what some of the less desirable side effects could be. The nasties include; flushing, impotence, increased sweating, thirst, back pain, blurred vision, chest pain, earache, eye pain, fever, leg cramps, viral infection, weight gain, dizziness, migraine, tremor, vertigo, agitation, amnesia, anxiety, confusion, decreased libido, depression, impaired concentration, insomnia, irritability, bronchitis, coughing, laryngitis, nasal dryness, sneezing, anorexia, constipation, diarrhea, (Hold on doc, make up your mind. Either the flood gate is open or closed.) flatulence, gastritis, hiccup, increased appetite, nausea, toothache, vomiting, blacking out, seizures, coma and death, just to name a few.

I looked this stuff up. But, at least they are outlining what could happen if things backfire. Funny though, they don’t show photos of people going through the adverse effects. That wouldn’t make for good TV.

You could see it, Mom and Pop out on the dance floor and Mom has an attack of flatulence that registers on the Richter scale and sets fire to the curtains thereby clearing the floor while the dancers and the orchestra experience the last seven on the list. Well, maybe not the toothache thing.

But what about the most common drug as advertised on TV? Booze. The best you hear from them is, “Drink responsibly.”

Nobody says such things as, “Possible aftereffects’ are; running down the street naked while singing dirty cowboy songs, waking up in a strange place wearing someone else’s clothes and your wallet missing, picking a fight in a redneck bar, missing teeth, a ripped shirt and a night in jail.”

I will admit that occasionally the brewers and distillers will recommend that you have a designated driver. However, when you ask the bartender where DD is he responds with, “On the floor with his head in the spittoon using the brass rail for a pillow.”

So, we have a small part of the population that is warned against the bad things that can happen to you if you take a prescribed drug. The rest of us get to mingle with the beautiful people only to run the risk of spending some jail time with other drunks all of whom have splitting heads, a taste of a barn floor in their mouth, cannot remember how they got in the ‘tank’ and feel guilty as sin, but have only vague, embarrassing memories of what sin it was.

Both go with the ever popular, “Don’t operate machinery.” Operate machinery?! I wouldn’t operate a light switch.

There seems to be an imbalance here.



Written by harmonycounty

April 17, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana

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