Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

What did you do on Earth Day?

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 Since nearly every TV station on the dial, with the possible exception of the ones that play the 50s and 60s reruns, has been pointing out that you and I are directly responsible for destroying the planet. (Mostly you.)  I decided to get with the program and go on an ecologically responsible guilt trip in honor of Earth Day.

   Recycling is very large amongst the ‘green groaners’ so I decided to start there. Up to this point in my life the only thing I’ve recycled are some of my old jokes and an occasional pair of unskid-marked underwear. I went for the obvious.

   As I was going through my trash can I couldn’t help but wonder where all the empty beer cans came from. “Holy Nader”, I thought, “I’ve got enough aluminum here to build a 747.” To my surprise I found quite a few not so gentle reminders from multiple insurance companies that I needed to insure everything in sight to include plans for my eminent demise. In the words of Scarlett O’Hara, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

   My dumpster dive resulted in a large bag of cans, a bag of junk mail and a bag of plastic containers that once held personal items, don’t ask. Thus loaded it was off to the recycling center.

   In keeping with the spirit of the day I decided to take my bicycle on the four-mile trip to the center. I packed the bike, which I haven’t used in at least six years, in a manner that would make mule skinner proud. Off I went sounding like a box half full of spare parts bouncing down a flight of stairs.

   Four miles might seem to be a short distance to most folks. However, if you are overweight, overage and out of shape the distance and the hills therein is like a trip up Everest with a refrigerator strapped to your back.

   It was on this trip that I developed a new definition of the moniker, “tree-hugger.” A tree hugger is an old, out of breath, fat guy leaning up against a tree with one arm around the tree, projectile vomiting his soy burger unto some unsuspecting soul’s front yard.

   Eventually I made it to the dump and did my part to save the planet. I then headed for home by way of the closest drug store. It was there I purchased aspirin, muscle rub and bandages sufficient for a platoon of mummies all of which were packaged in permanent plastic. I also stopped at the liquor store next door for some all-natural painkiller.

   So here I sit, stiffer than a life sentence, reeking of Ben-Gay, wrapped up like King Tut vowing never to bio-degrade myself again.

   By the way, contrary to the dire predictions of the eco-Nazis, the world will not come to an end. It will keep on merrily spinning along and the cockroaches, sharks, alligators and the other long-term survivors will take over. We just might not be around to see it.© 2009, Jim McGowan



Written by harmonycounty

April 22, 2009 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana

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