Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Fads I don’t understand

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   There are a couple of fads that have been around for a little while that I still can’t quite get.

   The first one is ‘political correctness’. Since when has the Freedom of Speech been overruled by self-appointed judges of right and wrong? Nowhere is it written that someone’s feelings cannot be hurt. If you can’t take the ding there are some other solutions besides mind control. TVs and radios have dials that change the station. You can simply walk away or, in extreme cases, serve up a knuckle sandwich. A good donnybrook always clears the air.

   If you are in the public’s eye you better have a hide as tough as a stone wall.

   I once received a letter that said, “Dear drooling idiot, Your last column must have been written under the influence of mind altering drugs or, I can only hope, that you had received a sharp blow to the head. You certainly deserve one. I put a copy of your last column in the bottom of the bird cage and my canary promptly had an attack of severe diarrhea. I recommend that you find a job commensurate with your intellectual abilities such as a security guard at a toxic waste dump. Signed, Alice.”

   Of course I had to respond. I wrote back, “Dear Mom, Please lay off the scuppernong wine. The old saw about using it only for your cough is wearing thin. Love, Jim”  

   The second is bottled water.

   I see people lugging around bottles of water as if they are about to trudge across Death Valley at high noon on an August day when they are in the parking lot at Wally World.

   I appreciate that there are times when carrying water is appropriate. Immediately coming to mind is campers, hikers and folks who work or play outdoors need to bring along something to drink. However, the trip between the parking lot and the front door where you work should not be a thirst inducing trek. If, however, your parking spot is so far out water is needed, you might want to think about a career change.

   I would also like to point out that in many cases, estimated at 40%; the bottled water is actually water drawn from the local town wells with some minerals added. A sweetheart deal; if I ever heard of one. How much can a plastic bottle cost? How much for the water and additives? Then sell it for $1.25 a pop. I could care less what the machinery costs. One hundred percent of everything is written off come tax time. Hello sucker, are you thirsty?

   When I was a kid in grammar school one of the nuns told us that we should never pass a drinking fountain without taking at least a sip whether we needed it or not. Good advice. I have since modified that advice to suit my age. I changed the words ‘drinking fountain’ to ‘saloon’ and act in accordance with Sister Mary Elephant’s excellent directions.© 2009, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

May 21, 2009 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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