Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Political ‘rasslin’

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   There wasn’t much on the tube the other night so I decided to watch professional wrestling, or is it rasslin’?

   I’ve got to admit that things have changed considerably since I first watched it when I was a kid. Guys like ‘Gorgeous George’ and ‘Man Mountain Dean’ are no longer in the mix. But, the promoters of the spectacle sure know how to put on a show. I’ve never seen so many statuesque gals showing up in the ring nor were there such a collection of potentially lethal weapons available for the boys to beat one another’s brains out.

   However, the referees are still as incompetent as ever and in tag-team matches suffer from severe tunnel vision and are deaf as posts. Another constant is the fans. Say what you wish about the accumulated IQ of the devotees, but there is one thing that is undeniable. They are having a great time. They all know that the action is as fake as a $20 Rolex, but they enjoy the well staged mayhem just the same.

    There is some work required when it comes to the interviews. Usually the announcer asks the same questions of the contestants, i.e. “What are you going to do to your opponent?” The response, were it not on TV, would normally be considered verbal assault and the speaker would end up doing some jail time. (Except, perhaps, in New Jersey where it would be considered light conversation between guys with names like Vito and Antnee. For further information on this point, please refer to any of the FBI’s phone tap recordings.)

    One point that is missed is the off screen efforts that must take place. The protagonists are all in excellent condition. That clearly means that the men and women spend hours in the gym since I am sure that as people in the public eye the rasslers would never use steroids or other performance enhancing drugs. The other is the choreography is well rehearsed. Were it not someone would end up in a hearse.

   So I got to thinking about what I would do to bring in a few more viewers. This turned out to be a trip down Fantasy Lane, but I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to see some of our more noted politicians as contestants.

  I envisioned a mixed, caged tag-team match between the Dems Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton taking on the Republican also-rans John McCain and Sarah Palin.

   I can imagine the teams bounding into the cage. Well, in the case of Kennedy and McCain, their bounding may be more like hopping or stumbling. They would be wearing blue and red Speedos, respectively. Maybe not the Speedos. They wouldn’t look good over the Attends.

   Then I was overcome by a rare burst of sanity. Who am I kidding? They are politicians. They would remain in their corners and endlessly talk. It would be all blow and no show. Just like they do everyday on Capitol Hill. © 2009, Jim McGowan.

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Written by harmonycounty

May 21, 2009 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Humor, Politics, Sports

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