Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Somalia seaborne solution

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Now that Somalia has become the home of all the “Captain Jack Sparrow” wannabes it seems that the old family trade has gotten to the front page after a long absence. As usual the UN and NATO seemed to be stymied by the actions of the pirates and can even get their act together on determining where the ‘hearties’ are going to be tried. God forbid that those two organizations call upon their members to provide patrols in the area.

   These pirates can’t be too tough. According to a Reuters report, a retired 62-year-old Welshman on a vacation cruise on an Italian liner drove off a boat load of the gunslingers with parrot poop on their shoulders by the simple expedient of heaving deck chairs at them.

   However, I have come up with a couple of plans that will solve the problem overnight.

   First we get a Landing Craft Utility. That’s the big one that can hold 500 or so Marines. Then we paint it pink. That will take a little persuasion because I can’t believe that either the US Navy or the USMC will go for the color scheme. We then hang a bunch of party lights around the decks and play old Lawrence Welk records over the loudspeakers. We get the leathernecks to dress up in civvies, mostly aloha shirts with senior NCOs in drag, and have them lounge around on deck. We cruise at around four knots around 12 miles off the coast of Somalia and wait.

   I imagine a bunch of Marines sitting out in the hot sun, on a pink ship drinking non-alcoholic, girly drinks and listening to Lawrence Welk will provide a reception not soon to be forgotten.

   If I were a member of the brethren of the coast and was given a choice between the Marines or going over the side to face the sharks it would be, “Here fishy, fishy” every time.

    If the powers that be would not want to cooperate I’ve Got plan B.

   You are invited to partake in my upcoming cruise entitled, “Moonlight Firefight in Somalia.”

   Come cruise aboard the SS Jolly Roger and do a good turn for international shipping and roger a few pirates while you are at it. I figure the cruise line might open up a whole new group of potential passengers. I know some peckerwoods from LA (Lower Alabama) that would leap at the opportunity for some high seas adventure and they don’t need to rent any guns. You might have to hold them down to a 10 gum maximum.

   There is a great opportunity for high profits in the sale of ammunition, rental of firearms and night vision scopes. Some firearm safety will have to be taught and there will be a need for target practice. All of which are sure to increase the bottom line.

We could have a raffle for a turn at a .30 caliber minigun and have a reload party every afternoon.

Imagine the pirate’s suprise when they pull alongside the JR. Here fishy, fishy.© 2009, Jim McGowan


Written by harmonycounty

May 21, 2009 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Uncategorized

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