Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

What’s your daily pill count?

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   Back in the bad old days a Soviet coach of an Olympic team said, “Americans have the most expensive urine in the world.”  Of course he must have been referring to the amount of vitamins that US athletes were taking. I’m sure he was certainly not talking about illegal performance enhancing drugs since he would have no knowledge of such substances because the Soviets would never use them. I would hate to think about the ‘Red menace’ on steroids.

   I’ve been taking a multi-vitamin every morning for years. Nothing special, just one of those semi-horse pills that have been around forever. I ran out the other day and I went to Wally-World to get a refill. Remember, I’m talking about your garden variety vitamin tab. Imagine my surprise when I went to the vitamin aisle and saw around 50 running feet of pills stacked up seven or eight shelves high. That’s 350 to 400 feet of vitamins.

   My first thought was, “This is going to take a while.” Boy did it ever. There is one company alone that put out 22 different kinds of multi-vitamins that they recommend you take once a day.

   So if you are over 50, a man, a woman, a teenager, have poor vision, no energy, low on calcium, pregnant, ad infinitum, they got you covered. However, I don’t know many 50+, lethargic, pregnant guys with poor vision so I’m guessing that one is not a big mover.

   There are all sorts of pills on this aisle that is a complete alphabet of vitamins. There are minerals I’ve never heard of and I suspect the guys that came up with the periodic table wouldn’t recognize. Oils derived from everything that walks, flies or swims in the sea are lined up and waiting for you. Though I couldn’t quite figure out the fish oil stuff unless you have a squeaky fish. This also draws a picture of ‘Jaws’ getting squeezed in a great big press.

   So the answer to your prayers is available in a bottle. Any wonder why we have a drug problem in this country.

   I know a young lady that swears by her vitamins and supplements. She tries to convince everybody she knows that this is a very healthy life style. I’m not kidding when I say she takes a cupful of pills every day. I can hardly imagine how much she spends on this daily dose, but I’m sure it adds up. The odd part is that she is a chiropractor with extensive medical training.

   You can bet that the powers that be that have all of this stuff available for your purchase are not concerned so much with your health as they are with their profit.

   Some time ago I was talking to the Head of the Pharmacology Department at Florida State University. He said, “Once you take five or more pills of any kind, including over-the-counter drugs, there is nobody who can tell you what the drug interaction will be.”             That, to me, is food for thought.© 2009, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

June 4, 2009 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Americana, Humor

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