Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Gamecocks have new lineman

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   You may have heard about ‘Mike’ the 390 pound gorilla who escaped from the Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia, SC  last Monday. According to the published reports and the official statements that were released he was only out for about five minutes.

   A food service employee was confronted by ‘Mike’ and was slightly injured. He was taken to the hospital, treated for scratches and bruises and was released. On the way back to the zoo he allegedly stopped home for a quick shower and a change of underwear.

   That is the ‘official’ story. I have it from Mike’s attorney that the real story was quite different. (Mike is facing and extra five years behind bars for escape and assault so he hired Furpo Dewey, Esq. of the Gaston law firm of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe for his defense.)

   It seems that Mike has always been a fan of football in general and the Gamecocks in particular. The motive for his breakout was a desire to help out his favorite team.

   In reality Mike climbed the wall, swam the river and made straight for Williams-Brice Stadium where practice was being held. I’m unsure if you could call him a “walk-on” maybe a “shamble-on”. But, when he went into his chest pounding, hooting routine he was recognized as having All-American potential.

    The defensive and offensive line coaches can recognize talent when they see it and immediately an argument ensued. It was determined that Mike’s natural talents had a defensive orientation so that was where he ended up.

   His simian predilections also presented some problems. When going through the tire drill he had a tendency to get no further than the first one. He is used to tires, but only when they are suspended from a rope and used as swings.

   There was also a problem with him remaining on the bench while the offense was on the field. Mike much preferred to climb on the goal post and observe while jumping up and down.

   There were some issues concerning Mike’s educational eligibility. However, when the S.C. High School Equivalency Exam was rewritten to eliminate ‘species biases as per comments made by Judge Sonia Sotomayor, Mike did surprisingly well. Mike was asked were such as, “If Suzy the chimp had eight bananas and she gave two to the Republicans and three to the Democrats, how many would she have left?” Answer; “None, the Democrats are in power so anyone who is banana rich is going to take a beating.”

    However, zoo officials were down one gorilla. They were offered two, second-string linemen and a case of GI soap. The offer was declined stating the linemen offered were decidedly less attractive despite having roughly the same amount of body hair, were not near as bright, would only eat bananas in the form of daiquiris and consume leaves in a smokeable form.

   Attorney Dewey is currently negotiating with zoo officials to have Mike entered in a work-release program similar to the one that many Gamecocks players are currently enrolled. © 2009, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

July 15, 2009 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Humor, Sports

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