Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Influence peddling in Harmony County

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   Recently, that self-proclaimed paragon of fairness and balance, the Washington Post, tried to conduct an influence peddling yard sale and got caught with their hand out and their pants down.

   The Post was selling something other than papers. For a mere $25,000 a pop or an annual fee of $250,000 for 12 meetings with the appropriate congress members and senators was promised to the lobbyists. Imagine that, a discounted, ‘Questionable Practice Act’ violation.

   The first one was set and ready to go. The invitees were the movers and shakers in the upcoming health care legislation arena. The lobbyists were coming from the health care industry checkbooks in hand. A pairing made in cash cow heaven.

   Think of it this way, the chief lobbyists representing the drug industry get to buttonhole Congressman Graball and Senator Graft who are sitting on their respective health care legislative committees. I’m sure that lower drug prices would soon follow.

   Well, the word got out on July 1. By July 2 it was all over. The managements of the Post and the media group that owns the Post set world-class back peddle records. First the health care event was called off and later in the same day the whole series was cancelled.

   Any credits on the ‘honesty in government’ side of the balance sheet as a result of “Watergate” were spent and now the Post is definitely in the red in the credibility department.

   Not to be outdone, we at the “Harmony County Weekly Blister” decided to hold a tête-à-tête with local health care providers and local officials. We never had credibility issues. Nobody ever believes us. We charged a slightly less fee, about a one thousandth, but we had really good barbecue and long-necks.

   We invited the entire Harmony County medical contingent. Doc Donatello, Proctologist, said, “When are you going to pay your bill?” Doc Cruse the dentist declined stating he was, “Going to a convention.” When asked which one he replied, “Who cares.” Doc Phillips the vet said, “I’m not going any party where one of my patients is the main course.”

      The only health care providers, even of the quasi variety, we could attract were a large group of unlicensed pharmacists. This group has an interesting dress code generally poor personal hygiene, a wretched dental plan and serious munchies.

   Oddly enough the pharmacists all arrived at the same time. One minute you were alone and the next a 200 lb. hog was a delicious memory. The elected officials came later, took one look at the gathering and sped off, all except one.

     The sheriff pulled up, assessed the crowd, smiled broadly and made a quick radio call. Did you know there are at least 84 uniformed deputies in the county who can respond within two minutes? The sounds of taser buzz, soft thuds and ratcheting handcuffs filled the air.

   Upon leaving the sheriff thanked me profusely and inquired if I could arrange for the next meeting be about home security for the amateur locksmiths in the county.© 2009, Jim McGowan

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Written by harmonycounty

July 15, 2009 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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