Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A few simple ingredients

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   As you may recall I recently confessed to my slaw-dog addiction. You may be relieved to know that I have joined Slaw-Dog Anonymous. I go to meetings three times a week and have learned to avoid evil places of temptation, such as sporting events, county fairs, food courts and my kitchen. In place of this dependency I have eased my cravings with something allegedly less addictive.

   Ever since I was a kid I have loved fried pies. I was waddling through the local supermarket the other day and found a display stuffed silly with them at four-bits apiece. You would be surprised about how many you can cram into a shopping buggy.

   When I got home, I got a case of the munchies and after enjoying two or three dozen of the delicacies I happened to glance at the back of the box of one where the ingredients were listed.

   Imagine my surprise when I saw seven lines of ingredients in some of the smallest type I have ever tried to read. I counted them and found that there are 39 separate items required to make one chocolate pie.

   My knowledge of chemistry is very limited. When I was in school I took a basic class in chemistry, twice. It was listed in the course handbook as “Chemistry 100: Poet’s Chemistry.” That is no joke. You could fill libraries with what I don’t know about chemistry.

   However, some of the things listed on the back of the box seemed to be better suited for the ‘Al-Qaida Do-It-Yourself Terrorist Kit.’ (Now available both on-line and in your local Bin Laden-Mart.)

    Let’s face it; these pies don’t have a ‘shelf life.’ They have a ‘half life’ similar to plutonium. According to reliable reports, recent excavations in Qin Tomb in China dating back to 210 BC, archeologists have uncovered kumquat fried pies that were in excellent shape, ready to go back on the shelves.

   Please don’t take me for a health food nut. The slaw-dog gag isn’t far from the truth. However, do you really need 39 ingredients? What happens to your body after you swallow this chemical warehouse? Your guts have to be asking, “What, in the name of DuPont, is this jerk trying to get me to digest?”

   I’ve got a stomach like a leather bag, but things not found on the Periodic Chart of Elements can’t be all that beneficial.

   So here are a few questions for commercial bakers. Do we really need an across-the-board sample of the chemical industry swirling around in our bellies? Why not save yourself a couple of bucks and cut back the ingredients to around 20?

   Wouldn’t it be nicer not having to put a ‘Hazardous Material’ warning sign on your trucks?  Would not your delivery guys present a better image if they weren’t wearing decontamination suits?

   And could I be so bold as to suggest the word, “fresh”? © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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