Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A matter of convenience

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    All of us stop in at a convenience store from time to time. They are, well, convenient. We buy gasoline, a cup of coffee, this newspaper, ammo, bowling balls, Groucho Marx glasses, Zig Zag papers, and the other necessities of life.

   Recently I have noticed some stuff that I would not normally be found in your garden variety Stop and Rob. The poetic names of these products include; “Stiff Nights”, “Blue Steel”, “Hard”, “Rock Hard”, and “Horny Goat Weed” just to name a few. These cure-alls retail for around $7 to $10 or more per dose.

   It does not take any imagination to see what these products are advertised to do. Whether they deliver as advertised is another story. Smiling Bob or not.

  “Vanity, thy name is woman” misquoted from Hamlet may have to be misquoted again. (The real quote is, “Frailty, thy name is woman”.)

   Perhaps it should be, “Vanity, thy name is man with erectile dysfunction who is dumb enough to buy an over-the-counter pep pill containing who knows what and thinks he is going to turn into a sexual tyrannosaurus”. That is a little wordy, I admit, but it about sums it up.

   We have all heard of the supposed natural aphrodisiacs that have come down to us over the ages. Oysters, ginseng, garlic are just a few items that are supposed to put lead in your pencil. The truth is with the exception of those prescribed medications there is nothing that can help.

   Sorry lads, you can buzz your way through an oyster bed the size of the Chesapeake, eat the annual ginseng production of China and tamp it down with a short ton of garlic but nothing is going to happen other than having monumental bad breath.

   Alcohol, a drug, definitely has an effect on desire. I know this from personal experience. When I was going through college, I had a part time job as a bartender in a local saloon catering to the students. I had a good friend whose nickname was ‘Mouse’ A good-natured a fellow as ever came out of North Alabama.

   I came on to my shift and the fellow I relieved said to keep an eye on Mouse because he had a few. I walked over and struck up a conversation with Mouse. He asked me if I thought one of the girls sitting at the bar was beautiful.

   I looked over and to be as charitable as possible she was the kind of gal her friends, when fixing her up on a blind date, would say she “Has a great personality”. The red flags go up with that statement and prior commitments in other counties are suddenly remembered.

   I asked Mouse how many beers he drank. He said, “Around six or eight”.

   I replied, “Mouse, she is absolutely gorgeous!”

   Later that evening I took away Mouse’s’ car keys and called a mutual friend to take him home, another example of unrequited love and poor vision caused by too much beer. © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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