Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A new, fearsome addiction

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   We’ve all heard about or even experienced addictions. Drugs, booze, tobacco, slaw dogs are well known substances that can cause addictions. (The last one is my own personal hell. I’m embarrassed to tell you how many times I’ve found myself waking up in a strange hotdog stand, lying in a pool of orange soda, reeking of coleslaw and mustard. I’m so ashamed.)

   I’ve discovered an addiction that has put its steel grip on men and women, young and old worldwide. It is the newest scourge to assail an unprepared public. It is sneaker dependency.

   I came across SD by observing a fellow I know who is a distance runner. I was helping him move and I picked up the shoe hanger bag. In it was 12 pair of running shoes. I thought it was a bit excessive and commented to that effect.

   He came over to the bag, looked lovingly at the shoes, got a glassy look in his eyes and in the same tone and pronunciation used by ‘Homer Simpson’ when beer is mentioned, said, “Sneakers.”

   I was immediately suspicious. My suspicions were confirmed when I helped him unpack his books and magazines and found they were all devoted to running. This guy had a serious sneaker habit.

   I picked up one of his magazines and found out how his addiction came about. The magazine was filled with sneaker ads and there was an article that reviewed 21 different shoes. The shoes varied in price between $80 and $140.

   Doing the math with an average price of $110 a pair, there was $1,320 worth of running shoes in the bag.

   I knew that something was afoot when the article said, “NEUTRAL-CUSHIONED Recommended for runners who need maximum midsole cushioning and minimum medial support. The shoes are best for biomechanically efficient runners (with minimum pronation) and midfoot or forefoot strikes with high or normal arches.”

   When they start talking in code it is time to put your foot down.

   I’m all for exercise. I can watch people exercise all day long. I wave when they pass me by and shout out encouraging words such as, “Good pronation, keep it up!” But does a person need a dozen pairs of shoes to go for a run?

   So what can we do to stop this terrible affliction? The first thing we can do is require that all running shoes must be registered with the federal government by a newly formed Department of Sneakers. Anyone found with more than three pair of sneakers must attend a sneaker rehab sessions.

   Second we must license all runners on an annual basis. Anyone found running without a license should be fined and face jail terms for repeated offenses, that includes anyone caught running from a burning building or being chased by a pack of rabid beavers.

   Third we must close our borders to all illegal sneaker imports. Anyone caught smuggling in sneakers for black market sales will have to be deported back to their sweat-shop of origin.

   The sneaker police will be watching you. © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor, Sports

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