Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Another use for duct tape

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   I just got off a week long babysitting detail. Before I get roped into another tour like that I’m going over to the Sheriff’s Office and heave a brick through the front window. I figure that a week in the slammer will be much easier than trying to maintain order of four kids aged six to 14 for 10 hours a day.

   Being a sucker with a short memory, I managed to forget how things were when I was raising my own kids. I should have followed that old Army adage of, “Never volunteer for anything.” But, I did the neighborly thing and volunteered to help out.

   We started off the week with a trip to Edventure. This museum is a great place. There is a ton of fun, educational, interactive exhibits designed to stimulate young minds and confuse old ones. We got to the place and got our tickets and walked into the lobby. I was saying, “Where do we go first?” and looked around to find I was talking to myself. This was the point where the four kids took off in five directions.

   As I said before ‘stimulate’. Well, there is a point where ‘stimulate’ turns into ‘over-stimulate’. We passed that point on the fly and went on to ‘pandemonium’. The youngest one was literally running from exhibit to exhibit punching all the buttons and pulling the levers before she even saw what the result of her button pushing. That kid flew around the halls. Multiply that action by four and you’ll get the picture.

   I finally got the foursome cornered about three hours into the program and under the less than kind looks of the staff managed to get them back to the car/decompression chamber. All four were dead asleep before we got out of the parking lot.

   Then I got the not-so-bright idea of taking the mob fishing. It would be more accurate if I said they did the fishing and I ran from kid to kid doing the worm-hooking, line-untangling and snag-clearing chores. I’ve got to admit that I’ve never seen a fish with a surprised look on its face before, but when these kids got a nibble that fish was in the air usually headed in my direction.

   I can imagine the fish conversation, “Where’s Frank?”

   “I don’t know. One instant he was nibbling on a worm and the next he was gone.”

   We also did the swimming thing. I have never heard such screaming in my life. Remember when the rock groups of the 60s and 70s used to come into the local airports and the screaming horde of fans were there to meet them? They were positively silent in comparison to the decibels these kids put out when they were busy dunking one another. There wasn’t a dog for a mile around that didn’t have a splitting headache.

   A word to the wise if you are ever caught in the same position, “There is no such thing as too much duct tape.” © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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