Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

It’s none of my business

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     I have had it with the LGBT people. For those of us who had to look up that acronym it stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender. LGBT is impossible to pronounce so I just substitute the word “boring”.

   Meredith Baxter, 62, an actress whose last steady job was back in the ‘80s on the TV show “Family Ties” said she has been living the lesbian lifestyle for the past seven years. This after three marriages and five kids. So what? Who cares? Does this announcement rate air time, internet space and ink in the national press? How does this affect anyone else on the planet?

   The bores seem to be making an inordinate amount of noise about their life styles and since that is nobody’s business but their own I can’t figure out why.

   Let me give you an example from personal experience. The toilet was seriously backed up. As in backed up from here to Cincinnati. So, I got out the yellow pages and called Pete Palini, Prince of Plumbers to handle the problem.

   About four hours later Pete shows up at the door. He looks around 45-years-old, is about 5’10”, 250 lbs or so with a three-day growth on his chin with a stub of a cigar clamped in his jaws. The only thing I thought unusual about Pete is he is wearing a pink tutu.

   I explained the problem to which he responded with a grunt. He went down the hall, ‘en Pointe’ and disappeared into the bathroom. After a half-hour of clanging and muffled curses, he reappears. The clog was caused by a combination of a bowling ball, the Sunday edition of the NY Times and a stuffed bunny.

   (Note to self: Be careful when allowing disgruntled bowlers, in-laws who look constipated and grandkids to use the facilities.)

   Pete hands me the bill and I faint when I read the bottom line. When I recover, I write a check with trembling hands and give it to Pete. Looks like I covered Pete’s annual dues to the most expensive country club in the county. Pete grunts his thanks and must have been happy since he executed a series of ‘Tour Jete’s’ across the lawn to his truck.

   The point of the story is this. I don’t care how a person dresses or what side of the street he/she is working. I just wanted a job done. I’m a firm believer in the “consenting adults’ and ‘privacy of the home’ boo-rah. But that is a two-edged sword. I don’t care nor do I want what anyone does in his or her private life shoved in my face. Just do your job.    

   To the legislators who are facing the ‘same-sex marriages’ issues. Either vote no or change the wording to ‘same-sex unions’. You politicos can then go back to the pork barrel after calming down all the boring noise.

   Though I have to admit with Pete, for a big guy he was very light on his feet.  © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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