Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

New Age in Harmony County

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   It looks like we here in Harmony County have finally joined the ‘mainstream’ or maybe the stream of consciousness, perhaps the slip stream. At any rate we were knee deep in some sort of flow.

   Locally we had, “The Festival of Healing and Spiritual Awareness”. The festival featured, “Intuitive Counselors”, “Alternative Healers” and “Aura Photographers”. (I’m quoting from the ad.)

   I’m the first guy in line to defend an individual’s right to their personal beliefs. I’m also the first guy in line to state that if you show your opinionated butt in public you better be prepared to take the occasional kick. I speak from experience since there have been weeks on end that I had to take my meals off the mantelpiece.

   The term “intuitive counselor” sounded suspiciously like “unlicensed pharmacist” or “undocumented immigrants” so some research was in order. According to various sources an IC is blood kin to a psychic and cousin to fortune tellers.

   Wendy Wallace, who is an IC says, “Intuitive counselors are experts at dating, love, and relationship, among many others,” and “Intuitive counselors are clairvoyants who can see your future.”

   OK, after feeling your bio-energies and looking into your inner self here is my IC dating tip. “Never date anyone who has more tattoos or fewer teeth than you do.”

   However, if there is an IC with a 75% or above accuracy record I cordially invite you to accompany me to the racetrack. I will pick up the expenses and do a 50-50 split. You cover the losses.

   However, the ‘alternative medicine’ portion is a bit sad and may be dangerous. I have seen it fail. If you are inclined to try it out please check with you regular doctor and get, at least an, “It can’t hurt.”

     The ‘aura photography’ certainly lacked appeal. According to this belief every living thing generates circles of various colored lights from their body. Anything from people to amoebas casts this glow. (That includes, according to one author, “goat dung.”)

   I don’t even like regular photographs of me. What do you think an aura of a short, overweight, grumpy senior is going to look like? That picture should make the goat dung aura look good.

   However, giving it some thought, I may have experienced some auras. I’m thinking about a football team’s locker room after an August two-a-day practice session or driving past a sewage treatment plant when the wind was just right. I may have been experiencing some auras. Or at least some sort of ‘A’ word.

   The whole thing ended up with a “Joy Ceremony” People were invited to, “Bring your drum, your cymbals, your singing voice and your dancing shoes.” The ceremony was entitled, “Spiritual Carwash.”

   Hang on. Who wants to see a bunch of geriatric hippies stumbling around? Grandpa who is bald on top yet still has his pony tail and grandma in a wet tie-dyed t-shirt beating on drums and “Kum By Ya-ing” themselves into a wheezing frenzy is very scary.

   Peace, Love, Joy y’all.  © 2009 Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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