Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Not there for reflection

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   Is there something in the water at state offices that makes some folks loopy? Monday a week ago an assistant state attorney for South Carolina was pulled over after leaving a spot in a local cemetery known to Columbia Police for drug and sex trafficking. He was pulled over because, according to police, he had been traveling rapidly through the cemetery after spotting a patrol car.

   Roland Corning, 66 had with him an 18-year-old woman who works in a local strip club. Police searched the car and found, according to reports, some sex toys, and Viagra. Corning allegedly said the items were in there, “Just in case”.

   I am an old Scout myself and “Be Prepared” is a motto I still believe in. I keep jumper cables, water, motor oil, a fire extinguisher, a can of tire repair stuff and other items, just in case. It never occurred to me that I should keep a vibrator and whoopee pills in my emergency breakdown kit.

   Corning, a former member of the state House of Representatives in the 1990s, is at the age where the combination of a cold beer and a hot kiss might kill him. So maybe those additional items might be a wise precaution as seen in the light of the age of his traveling companion. At any rate, it certainly adds a new interpretation to the slogan, “Happy Motoring”.

   Our legal Lothario was nabbed at 3:15 in the afternoon. By close of business, he was on the unemployment line. That is the fastest the State Attorney General has acted in living memory.

   However, perhaps the firing was too hasty. Maybe he and his friend were visiting departed loved ones. Perhaps they had gone there to enjoy the peace and quiet away from what I would consider some highly stressful occupations.

   It must be very disconcerting when jury members stuff folded dollar bills into the boxer shorts of a lawyer when he is trying to make a summation.

   Why, just last week I was with friend, Boom Boom LaTush, the former 1964 Onion Queen third runner-up from Vidalia, Georgia went to the gravesite of her late, lamented Rottweiler, Snuffles. While there, we naturally fell into a philosophical discussion about the briefness of life, eternal rewards, and some of the more poignant teachings of Saint Augustine. (Yeah, right.)

   The very idea of sex was the farthest thing from my mind. Moreover, I was short on cash and Boom Boom does not take credit cards. Pet cemeteries are notoriously short on ATMs.

   Maybe it is all for the best. If a prosecutor cannot come up with a plausible excuse and then cannot keep the lid on things perhaps should not be in the legal trade.

   He instead hit the panic button and sped off. The smart thing to do would have been to get out and walk to any grave, look down and pause in a reflective pose.  

   At least he did not go all the way to Argentina to get in a jam. © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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