Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Resume 101

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  Since we are all experiencing difficult financial times, with the possible exception of ‘unlicensed pharmacists’. The Harmony County Weekly Blister offers these handy tips in preparing your resume, if you ever decide to get off your butt and get a job or your unemployment checks run out.

   As we all know there are Nobel Prizes and Pulitzer Prizes given for fiction. While the authors and the works they create are recognized for their excellence none are given for the best works of fiction ever written, namely the expense report and the resume.

   The first rule of resume writing is the same as that of journalism i.e., “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.” Let us discuss the basics.

   First is using your right name. This may not be a good idea based upon the frequency it may appear on various local, state and federal law enforcement agencies’ lists. One might not want to include nicknames particularly if they are colorful ones such as; ‘Crusher’, ‘The Knife’ or ‘Six-Pack’.

   Next is the goals section. This is a short statement about what you want to do with your life. Try not to use such statements as; “Not do anything to screw up my parole” or “Make a @#$%-pot full of money.”

   Qualifications are included in the standard resume. Since we live in a computer world the programs you are familiar with must be mentioned. If you do not know any then it is time to use your imagination.

   You can say that you are expert with MSFPM and HBIE. It really doesn’t matter since it is the letters that count and the employer is not going to act like a dummy and admit to not having a clue. (The first is Mississippi Fish Production Management and the other is Horse Betting Insider’s Edge.)

   Prospective employers are going to want to know about your employment history. This section is full of pitfalls. There may be some blanks, particularly the two to three years you were on the inside for the damage you did to the Eighth and Tenth Commandments. (Those are the ones concerning stealing and coveting thy neighbor’s ox.)

   I realize that you saw the light, however being caught the headlights of four patrol cars with thy neighbor’s TV under your arm might not qualify as a religious experience.

   But, there is a way around this. It is called “Non-traditional Education.” After all you did learn some new meth recipes and the intricacies of the Swedish Message.

   There is another sticky part in the resume that is labeled ‘References’. Since most of those people who would be willing to write references have no phone number and the same mailing address: C/O State Correctional Institute, Iron Bar City, AL 12345; it is best to put, “References available on request,” just to be safe.

   Well, we hope that you will find these tips useful. Your new job is just around the corner, but be careful, the clerk is packin’. © 2009 Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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