Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Savior of the Nation

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   I suspect that those evil geniuses at the CIA have finally come up with a way to overthrow the communist government in Cuba.

   You have to remember that these are the same Ivy-League guys and girls who came up with the exploding cigar gag, the hiring of some Chicago mob hit men and the ex-girlfriend, cold cream, poisoning ploy that was supposed to do in Fidel. All of them idiotic. All of them classic failures.

      Even Castro with a snoot full Mojitos, talking with guys named Vinnie the Knife and Mickey Knuckles while his face was smeared with sizzling cold cream could figure out that a sparkling fuse sticking out of the end of his cigar wasn’t kosher.

   Once ‘El Caballo’ said that, “If escaping assassination attempts was an Olympic event he would get the Gold Medal.”

   We won’t go into detail about the Missile Crisis and the Bay of Pigs fiasco. I served with two fellows who were abandoned on the beach by the Kennedys. Suffice to say that the conditions under which they were imprisoned makes the Al Qaida terrorists in Guantanamo look like they are living in penthouse suites.

   Now that little brother Raul Castro is in charge he is facing the biggest threat to his regime. According to recent reports the entire country is facing a major toilet paper, or papel sanidad, shortage. If that is not a reason to overthrow a repressive government than I’ve never heard of one. 

   You can well imagine the distress that this is causing when one looks at the average Cuban diet that consists of a lot of beans and fried plantains three times a day, if they are lucky. I don’t care if you were raised on such delicacies. The old engine room is going to send out urgent messages, pronto.

   I can see the fingerprints of the CIA all over this situation. They are probably out there right now cornering the market of TP. The hallways and every open space of Langley are likely stuffed to the ceiling with cases of third world butt wipe. Meanwhile the director is grinning like a Cheshire cat knowing that they finally got the Castros.

   (I can imagine what the delivery guys say when they pull up to the loading dock. However, it is probably good that the ‘Company’ has the stuff. It is the appropriate medium on which to print their reports.)

   However, I’ve got a plan. What I need is a boat. I’m going to smuggle in a couple of thousand cases of Downy. I figure I can get top dollar and I’ll be following the family tradition, but instead of guns, cigarettes or booze it will be more basic.

   Who knows, after the overthrow they may make me president. I can at least get a statue of me, sort of Statue of Liberty like with a roll of TP in place of the torch, in La Plaza de Revolucion. “Jim McGowan, Savior of Cuba when it was in its greatest distress.” © 2009 Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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