Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The evil that is tailgating

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   If you pay any attention to the ‘panic’ stations on TV you will know that global warming is fast leading us to Armageddon. Various sources of pollution have been cited such as; automobile fumes, coal powered generating plants, volcanoes and heaven forbid, cow gas.

   After all the years of being shoved out of fast food restaurant drive-through windows in a modified form, it looks like old Bossie has figured out a way to even the score. Our friends who go “moo” can release methane from both ends. In that way cows are similar to a bazooka or a recoilless rifle. Methane is one of the greenhouse gases.

   (Don’t you just love the way the British say methane. We say “meth-ane”, they say “me-thane”. I am waiting for the chance to have a Britisher say “me-thane” to me and respond by saying, “You Thane, me Jim”.)

   However, after many years of investigation I have determined that there is a secret and insidious method that is speeding us to our universal destruction. That evil is known by the term, ‘tailgating’.

   Normally one would think of tailgating as an enjoyable way to spend some time. You get to support your team, have a barbeque and drink beer. Sounds like a party to me.

   However, think past the conviviality and good food and drink. Look at all the ecological damage that is being done nationwide each weekend in parking lots around the country.

   The first has to do with source of fuel used in the barbeques. Charcoal, wood, LPG or propane, no matter the source, they are producing carbon monoxide. Hundreds of thousands of grills are fired up and producing that dreaded gas.

   Next is the smoke coming from the grills. Those brats and hamburgers are dripping grease onto the coals producing a prodigious amount of smoke. Do the numbers. Williams-Brice Stadium at the University of South Carolina has the seating capacity of 80,250. That means at eight people per barbeque there are over 10,000 grills fired up. The place looks like Pittsburg in the 1920’s.

   Well you can’t have a barbeque without beans and coleslaw. All that needs saying is the old bit of doggerel “Beans, beans, the musical fruit. The more you eat the more you toot.”

    Then there is the opening of  adult beverages. The ‘pop’ of a flip-top is music to my ears. Yet you have 80,000+ people releasing carbon dioxide into the air. Some as many as twice or even more, a lot more.

   So now we have a potentially planet slaughtering situation. Eighty thousand bean and cabbage fed, beer-lubricated folks going into a relatively confined space and getting excited over the game. They will produce enough gas to make livestock jealous . If that group doesn’t bore a hole in the ozone layer, nothing will.

   I’ve seen entire sections cleaned out by guys who have been tailgating since Wednesday. No smoking, please.

   Therefore tailgaters, it is peany-boo and jell-jell washed down with whiskey or nothing. Save our environment. Save the world, maybe.

   Yuck! © 2009 Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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