Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Wal-Mart digs in

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      Attention shoppers! If you are looking for a bargain those great guys and gals down at Wally World has such a deal for you.

   The other day two of my neighbors, Eric Blake and Kerri Goldstein brought to my attention that Wal-Mart has available at very reasonable price, caskets and funeral urns. Unfortunately, these items are not on display, but must be ordered through the internet.

   The price for the coffins goes from around $900 to $2,900 and there is quite a selection. You can also pick up the urns from between $60 to $215. (For you diehard sports fans whose favorite team mascot is a cat of some sort there are urns available with the cat paw designs. Though intended for pets I am sure you could easily adapt them.)

   However, there are a few possible problems. First is the shipping time that is required. If you go on the cheap, it could take up to ten days. Even the express shipping option requires a three to five day wait. So, the end user is going to be kept on ice for a little while. Just how big is your freezer?

   Another problem is if you decide to plan ahead what are you going to do with the item until it is required? The urn is easy enough. Most of them are rather attractive and can easily double as a planter or a flower vase. You could also use it as a piggy bank to save loose change to pay for the funeral. At worst, you can always shove it in a closet or the attic.

   The coffin, however, represents a bit of problem if you do not have a basement or storage shed. I suppose you could use it as a coffee table with a handy storage capacity for board games and such. However, sitting back on the couch and putting your feet up on it to watch TV might be a tad disrespectful. Then having such an item in the living room might just kill the conversation when guests drop by.

   I suppose you could always line it with plastic and use it as a cooler for barbeques or neighborhood parties. I wonder how many cases of beer you could put in it for tailgating purposes? When filled, however, you are definitely going to need six of your best friends to carry it by the handles.

   Who knows what the brass at Wal-Mart will come up with next? Maybe a Viking ship for those of Scandinavian descent that wants to do it the old-fashioned way. Speaking of old fashion, for the Egyptian consumer what about a pyramid kit? (A whole bunch of assembly required.) Though the Indian custom of sky burial might conflict with some local health regulations and upset the neighbors.

   We have all heard the statements that huge chain stores are driving the ‘mom and pops’ out of business. However, taking on the local funeral home may be stretching it.

   I just wonder if you could buy any of the items on the lay-away plan? © 2009 Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

December 30, 2009 at 4:42 p12

Posted in Americana, Humor

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