Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Chicken Little, 2012

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   For the past year or so, those swell imaginative folks who gave us the universal computer meltdown of 2000 have upgraded and are working on an end of the world scenario.

  (Let me refresh your memory about the 2000 flap. At midnight, December 31, 1999 all the computers in the world were supposed to become smoking holes at the end of the runway because of the software not being able to handle the millennium change. The poor little things were supposed become so confused that all banking, government, communications, and football betting websites were going down forever.)

   The latest, “The sky is falling” panic is that the world is going to end on either December 21 or 23 in 2012. They quote as their authority the ancient Mayans and the ever lovely and popular Nostradamus.

   Like all seers, the Big N has me pounding my head on the wall. First off, I can assure you that there is truth in the saying, “The name’s the thing”. If he had been named ‘Willie’ he would never gotten the press he did. Just how much credence would you give to a book titled, “The Predictions of Willie”?

   Enter the Mayans. Back in the old days, they were holy terrors when it came to rock carving, could grow the daylights out of corn, and were into human sacrifice.

   They also had no metallurgy and were aware of the wheel, but only used it on kid’s toys. They did not invent corn agriculture. It was an import. Ditto sculpture; they got that from the Olmecs who preceded them by more than a thousand years.

   The human sacrifice stuff was very large in all of pre-Columbian America and I would not point the blame finger at just them because the Ancient Greeks and Etruscans were quick to give cousins Nick and Vito up to the gods. Remember, they were the original rockers of the cradle of western civilization.

   So, we have some very adaptive individuals, but not inventors. These are the folks predicting the end of the world. Admittedly, they had plenty of time to watch the stars simply because the missus had her usual nightly headache and they didn’t have cable. Let me give you a couple of alternatives to the end of the world theory.

    It’s around 400 A.D. on a Friday. Frank the boulder carver is standing back admiring his just completed sculpture. His foreman Ralph walks up and says,

“Nice work. How far did you get?”

“Up to 2012 when I ran out of space” Frank replies.

“Well get yourself a dozen more rocks and see how far that goes”.

“Ok, boss. But my vacation begins tomorrow”.

“Good enough. Start when you get back”.

   When Frank got back, he was assigned to a different project and the calendar gig was put on hold.

   Or alternative Two. We haven’t found boulders two through 13.

   However, you can always play it safe come December 2012. Don’t pick up your dry cleaning until after Christmas.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

January 15, 2010 at 4:42 p01

Posted in Americana, Humor

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