Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

SOTU is not a ninja

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   Did you see the State of the Union Address last week? I watched it on CNN, conspicuous in its absence was the FOX network that did not cover the event. That seems a bit juvenile. CNN even gave it a cute acronym of SOTU. Sounds like a name for a ninja.

   I watched the CNN reporting because Wolf Blitzer was the lead analyst. I think Wolfie is great. He’d say anything for a laugh. I once saw him point to a 5-ton Army truck during the Gulf War and state that a battalion of soldiers had just got off it. They must have been very small guys because there are around 800 soldiers in a battalion. Ever since then, I knew Wolfman was a few IQ points short of a reindeer of a similar name.

   The proceedings went according to the time-honored manner. It doesn’t matter who is in power. I’ve seen bunches of these SOTUs and nothing changes.

   The pols of the majority party enter the hall. They are all grinning like a schoolboy who just was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Everybody is shaking everybody else’s hand. They see one another every day, but act like mobsters who were just found not guilty.

   Enter the minority party. These guys look like they are the guests of honor at a hanging. They are in lock step down the aisle looking neither left nor right, march to their seats and await the noose. (I understand a certain vocal, southern congressman was there. Unconfirmed reports reveal that the Secret Service duct taped him to his chair, sedated him heavily, and stuffed four pairs of socks in his mouth.)

   The grand entrance begins. The Prez is announced by two guys, one isn’t enough. Both of the announcers are stiffer than a life sentence. The man of the hour is fashionably late. He takes his sweet time coming down the aisle doing his handshake thing. (This, I think, is not a good idea. The viewers are definitely voting types. Making them wait eleven minutes is not politic.)

   The speech finally begins. This one lasted 69 minutes including the 97 interruptions for applause. (OK, so I’m a flea-milker. I just like to keep track of these things.) His people will applaud anything. If the Prez said, “The word Alabama has four a’s in it.” They would go delirious with joy. “Our man can spell Alabama”! El Lobo would analyze this as an attempt to garner the southern vote.

   The speech finally ends, pandemonium ensues, and the minority party stomps out in a choked silence.

   A couple of interesting things observed in this year’s rendition.

   One, The House Speaker claps her hands like a circus seal expecting a fresh herring.

   Two, The Vice-President nodded his head in agreement with every word the Prez said. He must be either the biggest ‘yes man’ in the world, was nodding off or we got a bobble head that is one heartbeat away from the presidency. Copyright 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

February 4, 2010 at 4:42 p02

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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