Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

The agony of defeat, de-arms, de-legs, de-ribs

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The 2010 Winter Olympics are upon us and whether you like it or not you are about to be force-fed more information about climatic conditions in Vancouver then you care to know.
I have never been a big fan of winter sports. As a kid, I never participated in any hence, the lack of interest. Back then, when you mentioned ‘skiing’, you were assumed to be talking about the water variety and there weren’t any downhill lakes in my area.
The biggest difference between the Summer and Winter Olympics, as far as I can tell, is the opportunity to self-inflict serious bodily damage.
In the Summer version, you can fall off your horse, are banged up boxing or wrestling, or miss a dismount in gymnastics. Fortunately, a liberal application of Ben-Gay and Ace bandages usually takes care of the boo-boo.
In the Winter Olympics, the athletes are moving along at ridiculous speed and if they miss a turn and take an unscheduled trip through the woods, by way of the Porta-Potties with a fearful reference to fecal matter just before impact, what do you think will be the results?
Let me give you a hint. Your answer should contain the word, “plaster of paris”, or “matchbox”, or “sponge”.
There are some interesting ways to get the medics into action.
The luge and skeleton yahoos come roaring along on what amounts to a coffee table top sized sled an inch above the ice at around 90 mph. The only difference between the two is that the lugers go feet first and the skeletoners head first.
Next come the ski jumpers who get to add jumping off a ramp and sailing through the air at 95 mph.
The real speed demons are the downhill skiers. The top speed recorded for these boys and girls is 96.6 mph.
It is surprising that the bobsledders proceed along at a grandmotherly pace of a mere 80 to 85 mph.
Not nearly as fast are the free-style skiers who come off a small ski jump, fly 50 feet up in the air while doing somersaults, twists, and back flips then landing, hopefully, feet first.
All of the above wear a spandex bodysuit and a helmet as protective gear. The bodysuit is nothing more than high-tech long johns and the helmet, I suspect, is not going to be a lot of help at those speeds.
Hockey players are pretty well armored. But, these are big guys with bad attitudes, no respect for anyone’s rules, and have big, sharp, hickory sticks in their hands. There’s a reason why the old joke goes, “I went to a prize fight, and a hockey game broke out”.
The goalie has the attractive task of stopping a rock-hard, 6 ounce, rubber disc that can travel at speeds in excess of 105 mph. I wonder how much his dental plan costs?
To my way of thinking the phrase, “brain freeze” has nothing to do with ice cream when it comes to winter sports. Copyright 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

March 7, 2010 at 4:42 p03

Posted in Americana, Humor, Sports

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