Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

How do you tie a sheepshank?

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I hope you enjoyed St. Patrick’s Day and are well on the road to recovery. If you can read this, it is good that you can focus; I just hope that the sound of turning pages is not too painful. Just remember, there are only two proven cures for ‘Irish Flu’, time or sudden death.

There have been some rather interesting headlines of late. The first one was, “Harry Smith colonoscopy to air on the ‘Early Show’”. Harry Smith is the anchor for the show aired on CBS nationwide. In the EST, it is on from 7 a.m. until 9 a.m. The procedure is a necessary one after you reach a certain age. In truth, it can be a lifesaver and should be done on a recurring basis. The medics call the exam, “mildly intrusive”. I refer to it as, “the electronic fencepost exam”.

Nevertheless, if colon cancer is caught early one can avoid the, “Special Forces procedure”, of drill, bore, and blast to remove the cancer. I have had it done and the only after effects I recall were; walking funny for a little while, taking the longest shower of my life, and an almost uncontrollable urge to redecorate my office. I seriously recommend that everyone back into their doctor’s office and have it done.

However, as early morning programming the subject might be a bit questionable. I can see mom, dad, and the kids Brittany 8, and Jason 6, sitting around the breakfast table while Smithy’s butt is on the TV screen. I can guarantee you that the sound of crunching Fruit-Loops will be quickly silenced. Mon and dad better be ready for some probing questions.

Another headline was, “Tacoma police find naked woman tied to a tree”. The story goes on to say that the woman was found in a park, a man and a woman were interviewed, the incident was described as a, “consensual rendezvous” (whatever that means) and no one was arrested.

I do not see what the big deal is. Here in Harmony County a dog can hardly take care of business without have a kick or two aimed at him. It has gotten to the point that the SPCA as requested ‘No Tie’ zones so poor Rover can get some relief. Let’s not get into what it is doing to the squirrels.

A walk in the park can become quite interesting. “Good afternoon Reverend. I see you are working on your tan” and “Hello Councilman. It looks like the Missus has finally mastered the clove hitch”, are common remarks heard. A whole lot of “consensual rendezvousing” going on here.

Then there was the incident at JFK with the kids of the Air Traffic Controllers giving takeoff directions to the pilots. I’m a big supporter of the ‘Career Day’ program, but there is such a thing as going too far. I don’t think it would be a good idea for brain surgeons, bomb squad members, mob enforcers, and high steel workers should bring their kids to work. But then, it might be just me.


Written by harmonycounty

March 18, 2010 at 4:42 p03

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