Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Radical changes afoot

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   Insiders in Governor Mark Sanford’s inner circle (Empuje 2 por espanol) have said that the well-traveled Governor has already making plans for life after politics. According to reports, Sanford intends to open a ‘Relationship Counseling and Backpacking Supplies’ operation in Buenos Aires.

   The company motto is, “All trails don’t have to lead to divorce court”. Sanford is attempting to draw celebrity clientele and has entered into negotiations with Tiger Woods. However, there seems to be an impasse since Woods is demanding a group rate.

   Other potential clients include, Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, A-Rod, and Jon Gosselin.

   Backpacking supplies that will be carried are; hiking boots, sleeping bags, rucksacks, tents, and CDs containing the names, email, and phone numbers of divorce lawyers throughout the country. (Currently there are 214 CDs in the pack.)

   Clemson University has announced that there are certain people for whom smoking is a benefit. These individuals are tobacco growers, cigarette companies, tobacco distributers, tobacco retailers, tax collectors, and undertakers. The consumers did not come out high on the list.

   On a similar note the last remaining coin-operated cigarette machine is being exhibited in the State Museum. The Fourth Grade class of the Bernie Madoff School for Future Felons was on a field trip at the museum and was fascinated by the machine.

   They could not understand that there was such a thing as a vending machine that did not have a credit card slot or could not accept dollar bills. However, once the workings were explained to them they managed to empty the machine in about two minutes and were all out in the parking lot hustling smokes to visiting Brownies and Cub Scouts. 

   Sources near Congressman Joe Wilson said he has decided not to run for re-election. After much soul searching and tear filled discussions it has been rumored that the Congressman has decided that he will leave politics and join the Cistercian Order. The Cistercian Order is known for its vow of silence.

   When asked, “How can he join since he is not a Catholic”? The source replied, “So what! Who’s going to ask him”?

    The NCAA has ordered ineligible all athletes who have a conviction during their stay at their respective schools. This has resulted in many locker rooms being made virtually vacant. Recruiters are now scouring the countryside.

   Certain coaches are claiming the ruling unfair since they were in addition to training athletes; they were conducting a community service by providing a work/release program.

     Car thefts are slightly ahead of the numbers of last year. However, the sheriff has noted that certain vehicles, notably Toyotas, are no longer on the list.

   According to one individual, who wishes to remain nameless, he cannot even give his Toyota away.

   “I left it in the worst part of town with the keys in the ignition and the windows down. I got a call from the cops saying they wanted me to come and pick it up. Now I’m being charged with reckless endangerment.”

   APRIL FOOLS!© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

April 3, 2010 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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