Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A pound of baking powder and a pinch of love

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   Nowadays with the improvement in healthcare, diet, and lifestyles, our life span has been increased. (I am not going to get into Obamacare. That show ain’t over. The fat lady just cleared her throat.)

   Seniors are much more active. They are working longer. Take for example the Lexington Chronicle’s, Bill West. No one is going to describe him as a ‘spring chicken’ yet after winning an armful of awards at the recent SC Press Association 2009 Awards Ceremony he topped it off with the ‘Journalist of the Year’ award. But, he is not the only one.

   There is J. L. Hunter Rountree, 92, of Lubbock, Texas. Mr. Rountree was recently sentenced to 12 plus years for bank robbery. This was not his first bank job. He was also convicted in Biloxi, Mississippi for the same charge when he was 87.

   I was always under the impression that the ‘get-away’ portion of the exercise should be executed with haste. How a guy in a walker can make a dash for the door must have seemed like the security tapes were in slow motion. However, parking in the handicapped spot may have speeded things up.

   Another 92-year-old is on the inside looking out. Mitch Schwartz of New Orleans was busted for running a ‘Razzle Dazzle’ con game out of his Bourbon Street T-shirt shop. Police estimate that he was pulling in $7,000 a week on the operation. He allegedly was assisted by Terrence Borders, a youthful 62.

   Police also stated that they also found large amounts of prescription drugs at the shop. If there was any Viagra in the haul that might not stand up in court. The combined age of the two is 154. 

   On the distaff side, there is Lena Driskell, 78 of Atlanta. Apparently, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, has no age limit. After she was dumped by her 85-year-old boy friend of one year she took action.

   Taking her pistol, she cut a few new .45 caliber navels in the old fellow. Not repentant she was quoted as saying, “I did it, and I’d do it again”. Evidently, the late beau had found another object for his affections.

   Imagine what it was like for the relatives of the late Romeo when they were asked, “How did gramps die”?

   Picture if you will a 76-year-old woman, in a long floral dress, lace collar, and granny glasses working away in her kitchen. She is softly singing, “A pound of baking powder, and a pinch of love” as she cranks a coffee grinder.

   That would be Esther Gomez of San Antonio. Only it is not cookies she is making, but cutting her latest batch of black-tar heroin.

   She ran her business for about three hours a day while sitting in a rocker on her back porch. Business must have been good because the cops confiscated a Lincoln Town Car and $40,000 worth of jewelry in the raid.

  You had better watch out, don’t mess with the blue-rinse set.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

April 26, 2010 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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