Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Do I look pale?

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   Recently I went to the hospital for my semi-annual physical/bloodletting/abuse exam. I love these little sessions. They are so informative. However, the information I get is to what a classic wretch that I am. Nothing quite like having your deficiencies pointed out in length and detail to inspire one to improve. Yeah, right.

   The first stop is the lab for blood and urine samples. One of the techs came up carrying two jugs of the size favored by moonshiners in mountains of North Carolina. His only instructions were, “Fill’em up”.

   After about an hour in the men’s room with much straining, my mental ‘Low Fuel’ light came on and that was the end of that contribution. They would have to make do with what I could produce. Boy was I thirsty.

   Next comes the blood samples. Using the technique employed by Captain Ahab and other whaling notables, I get a needle shoved into my left arm. This technician had a rack of around twelve or fifteen tubes. At around seventh or eight tubes I began to feel a little light headed. This time my ‘Low Oil’ light came on. When I was drained, I was really feeling goofy. Finding the exit and navigating the hall to the waiting area was a challenge.

   Now it was time for the eye exam. The doctor, who looked not a day over 16, introduced himself and commented that I looked a little pale. The exam is no big deal except for the part where they dilate your eyes. I have no idea what they have in the eye drops, but what ever it is makes the world seem way out of focus.

   However, this is not all bad. When walking in the receptionist was dead ringer for Minnie Pearl. Coming out she looked like Cameron Diaz.

   Imitating a pinball, I ricochet back to the waiting area. I collapsed in a chair, cotton mouthed, head spinning, and blind as a bat. Finally may name is called and I stagger into the examination room. The nurse who took me there said, “I looked a little peaked”.

   In comes the doctor and we go through the normal drill. Thump, cough, breathe deep, the stethoscope fresh from the freezer and the usual litany of questions. He also added I looked a bit anemic. Now comes the abuse portion of the program.

   I was threatened with a long, lingering death if I did not cut out, red meat, all dairy products, cold cuts, potatoes, salt, pasta, sweets in any form, and, god forbid, alcohol. If I cleaned out my refrigerator of the contraband, the only thing left would be ice cubes.  

   So here I sit living the old joke.

   “A man goes to the doctor for an exam. The doctor tells him to cut out drinking, smoking, and carousing in any form. The man asks, ‘Will I live longer’? The doctor replies, ‘No, but it will seem that way”.

   I think I’ll go steam some chicken and broccoli. Yummy.© 2010, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

April 26, 2010 at 4:42 p04

Posted in Americana, Humor

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