Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Going to the dogs, birds, sea lions

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   We all love our pets. Movies about animals have always been a big hit despite the actor’s admonition against appearing in movies with dogs or kids, the best of the scene-stealers.

   However, some of us go a bit beyond dogs and cats when it comes to our animal companions.

   Recently in Rock Hill, SC, somebody’s pet bird got out and led the police on a 10-block chase before it was captured. The bird in question was not your granny’s canary, Lemon Drop, nor a parakeet or even an exotic parrot. It was an emu.

   The flightless emu, an Australian native, can grow to 6-foot tall and weigh over 100 pounds. They can also run 30 mph plus. Reports indicate that it was moving along at top speed as it dashed through town. The bird was finally netted and wrestled to the ground.

   Some cops are going to have an interesting answer when they are asked, “How was work, today”? But, the report also adds that authorities are looking for the owner. I find it hard to believe that a bird of that size can be easily concealed.

   If the mystery owner is located, I am sure he was not keeping it in your standard issue birdcage. If he was, it adds a new meaning to the phrase, ‘stuffed poultry’.

   The officers in San Diego had a baby sea lion to contend with recently. It seems that around 4 a.m. someone called in the sighting as it crossed an oceanside highway. Maybe it was looking for an all-night seafood restaurant.

   At any rate, the pup scooted under a parked car. Police managed to get it moving, but it took up temporary residence under their patrol car. Around 8 a.m., an animal control officer managed to drag it out by its tail. The report says the pup was growling as it was pulled out. You drag me from under a parked car by the tail you are going to hear more than growling.

   The pup got 60 days hard time in Sea World where it will be “rehabilitated” before it is to be released. That ought to be an interesting group therapy session.

   There is a church in Massachusetts that is offering a once-a-month service for dogs. On the third Sunday of each month, “well-behaved dogs” and their owners are invited. There will be communion for the humans and special treats for the pooches.

   This new group of parishioners might represent a special set of problems. Dogfights and cleanup not withstanding, how does a dog get up and testify? If they have a confession, which of the Ten Commandments apply to dogs or is there an attachment to the Big Ten that covers cats and mail carriers?

   Then there is the selection of hymns appropriate to canine ears. In other words, if only the dogs can hear it how do you know if you are getting it right.

   Well so much for animals in the news; has anyone seen my emu, ‘Foster’ around? © 2010, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

May 14, 2010 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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