Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Another “Rite of Spring”

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   I am sure that all of you go through the same springtime ritual called, ‘Spring Cleaning’. You probably approach as just another chore that can be handled in one day; with my place, I approach it similar to the way Marines approach taking an objective. Only in my case, the objective is not as tidy.

   In your house, I am sure you break out the mops, buckets, and vacuum cleaner and other items needed for a through clean up. Considering the magnitude of my job, I break out the jackhammer, fire hose, and the shovel. I am a firm believer of always using the right tool for the right job.

   It is not that I am such a pig. It is more as if I am recalcitrant. You will be doing Spring Cleaning 2010. I am doing Spring Cleaning 1995. I got a little behind. I can partially blame my reluctance to when the photos came out showing Mr. Clean and Hazel the Maid poolside in Las Vegas. When two boyhood idols behave in such a shameless way you can understand my avoidance of cleaning products.

   As with most things, there is an upside. When you clean underneath the couch cushions you may find some loose change. When I clean in the same place I find enough for a month’s house payment. This, in itself explains why when I sit down the couch jingles.

   Then there is always an element of surprise. I end up making such statements as, “So that’s where those clacking teeth got to” or “I thought they stopped making this candy years ago” or “I never knew we had a freezer in here”.

   Admittedly the refrigerator presents some special challenges. Even I know that it is time to take action when each time I open the fridge door I hear growling noises from all over the compartment. Another tip off is when I put in leftovers only to find them gone and the container licked clean. My only regret is that I may be denying science some important discoveries.

   The oven is another problem is the oven, hence the jackhammer. The only other solution to this obstacle involves nuclear waste products that are difficult to obtain since the Iranians have the only market.  

   One thing I have always found puzzling. Since only soap and water is used in the bathtub why is it necessary to clean it? If you look at the poorly named ‘ring around the tub’ as a fill level things become easier all around.

   I suppose when you get finished and sit back and look around at your spotless home you will have a certain sense of satisfaction at a job well done. You will probably order a pizza and relax in front of the TV.

    I, on the other hand, will collapse exhausted in a pool of sweat, while reeking of bleach and ammonia. I will have to order some oxygen and lay there forlornly just waiting for 1996 to roll around.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

May 28, 2010 at 4:42 p05

Posted in Americana, Humor

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