Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A letter to us “Small People”

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     The following is a fictional letter from the Chairman of the Board of BP Oil, Carl-Henric Svanberg, to the people of the United States.

   Dear “Small People”;

   (I will try not to use big words in this letter, as a, “Small Person” you have not the intelligence nor the education to understand them and you certainly do not have the money to hire someone to explain them to you.)

   Unlike what you have been led to believe it is BP that is the victim in this our efforts to assist your country in its unquenchable thirst for oil. Let me explain the ways that we have helped.

   We have provided jobs for many residents of the Gulf Coast. Merely because 11 men were killed and 17 were hospitalized in the explosion that started this unfortunate event should not be held against us. If it were not for us, they would have spent their lives choking ropes on some fishing boat.

   Some who falsely accuse us state that we took shortcuts in safety and drilling procedures. These were not shortcuts; they were cost-saving measures, all to provide you with inexpensive fuel.

   Speaking of fishing boats look what we have done to provide the local fishermen, fish wholesalers, restaurants and everyone else in the tourist industry some well-deserved rest. In addition, we are going to pay for their vacations.

   We have paid out $85 million in claims so far. You should not judge us just because it represents 6/1000 of our last year’s profit of $14 billion and last year was not our best year.

   We are fully prepared to pay any more legitimate claims in a timely manner. We have already confiscated this year’s dividend of our investors to the tune of $10.5 billion. I can guarantee you that they will not receive one cent. They are the true villains in this sad tale.

    Just because it took 20 years to settle the claims as a result of the Exxon Valdez grounding does not mean that it will take any longer for us even though our misfortune makes the Alaska spill look like a small leak and the ship had 1,264,155 barrels of oil, not actively pumping 1,800,000 barrels a month.

      It is not a big deal that 40% of the seafood in America comes from the Mexican Gulf. Merely change your diet or you can buy imported fish from other countries. They could use American dollars too.

   The one bright spot in this whole story is the patience of your President. He graciously allowed us 58 days to repair the damage in which we made two failed attempts. In another month or two, we will try again. This is unknown territory for us since we have only been drilling for oil since 1908.

   So do not get upset. A few water birds and porpoises more or less is a drop in the bucket.

   Be thankful and try to understand that we are only looking after your best interests.

   Love, Uncle Carl. © 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

June 24, 2010 at 4:42 p06

Posted in Humor, Politics

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