Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Do not try this at home

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   In what can only be described as a blinding act of stupidity, as can only be accomplished by yours truly, I decided that I was going to switch my cable, phone, and internet access service.

   What induced this insanity was it seemed like my bill from the service provider was a bit higher each month. I neither had not increased service nor added any extras.

   I went on the net to look up my bill. This is nearly impossible to do since the company went out of its way to hide the charges through a series of ‘click on’ pages that seem endless.

   Have you ever heard of such charges as, “Federal Universal Service Fee” or “Telephone Relay Service” or my personal favorite “Deregulated Administration Fee”? What it boils down to is the FCC and the communication companies are in bed together and the FCC can slap a fee on us without the benefit of Congressional approval.

    I foolishly thought that all I need do is make a few phone calls and the boys would flip a few switches and that would be it. Yeah, right.

    First, I had to make three appointments all of which require staying home for at least four hours and waiting by the phone for a call that was to announce the imminent arrival of the technician.

    My first appointment was between 8 a.m. and noon. So I’m padding around the house in my Sponge Bob undies at around 7:30 and there is a Gestapo like pounding on the door, no prior phone call. (Why can’t these guys learn to operate a doorbell?) 

   He announces that the best place to put the dish is in the middle of the front yard and intends to string more wire than the Pacific cable. It is highly unlikely that I’m going to win the ‘Yard of the Month’ award, but really. He also mentioned that the service wouldn’t be turned on for a week.

   I thanked him for his time. He admired my outfit and that was that, except for the incessant calls from his company wanting to know why I decided against them.

   The next wirehead through was the phone guy. He wanted to lay phone line across the dining room and through the kitchen. We worked out an arrangement that would keep me from breaking my neck tripping over wires in the middle of the night. He said that the phone would be out for, “72 hours, tops”.

    Now comes the internet yahoo. He said that I would have to change my three internet addresses. I have a mailing list of over 8,600. No thanks, I wasn’t up to a job that would take ten days.

       So, if you ever decide to follow me down the path to electronic idiocy I recommend that you make one of two stops before you do. Either go to the library or the liquor store and stock up, you are going to have a lot of time on your hands.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

July 8, 2010 at 4:42 p07

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