Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Ben-Gay and gasoline don’t mix

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   This past Fourth of July I was invited to visit my son, his wife, and their two boys to stay for the weekend. This is all hunky-dory except for the fact that they live in Benton, Arkansas a small town outside of Little Rock.

   However, not being one to miss a chance at one of my favorite forms of self-abuse, I agreed. I strapped my kimchi-mobile to my butt and headed out in a general westerly direction to the tune of 732 miles one-way. It has been quite some time since I participated in a marathon car trip.

   The most spectacular was a one all the way from the Panama Canal Zone to my next stationing in New York two blown engines later. This trip was with my wife and two young children.

   Actually, the trip was not too bad. We did it in short stages and got to see some interesting places and sights. Things were going nicely until we got to the Texas-Mexico border. I had packed away three sport parachutes and two reserve chutes. The border guard wanted me to open all of them. Luckily, another border patrol agent there was an ex-GI. He came over and convinced the first agent that it was not necessary. Thanks, trooper.

   Back to my recent trip. If you ever decide to take the trip here are some tips. Do not speed in Cobb County, Ga., ever! That is the county just west of Atlanta.

   The Alabama Highway Department has a quirky sense of humor. You are buzzing along at 70 mph out in the middle of nowhere and suddenly the speed limit drops to 55.

   This area is where I learned that the Alabama Highway Patrol hunts in packs. I saw three cars pulled over each with a different patrol officer in the space of less than a mile. Everybody’s brake lights came on.

   Eventually I got to my destination, stiffer than a life sentence, where my son John pried me out of the car and administered a general anesthetic. I did not sit down for four hours. Did you ever get the feeling that you were wearing a hat, and you knew that you were not, yet you reach for it anyway? That is what it felt like except it was at a different end and the cap was replaced by a car.

   The next day we all went fishing. Everyone caught at least one and ‘Doc’ caught his first. We also observed the law in physics that states that, “For each grandchild that goes fishing with his granddad, the granddad will be hooked twice”.

   We did the firecracker thing and the kids went wild with the sparklers and bottle rockets. We big kids got to play with the heavier artillery. You will be pleased to know that all fingers are present and correct.

   The next day I reassumed the position and drove into the sunrise. The return trip was not too bad. I was able to walk erect within two days.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

July 15, 2010 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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