Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Kitty coladas for everyone

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   At the risk of getting a “fatwa”, the Muslim edict as leveled against author, Salman Rushdie, various Danish cartoonists and other of the elect, slammed on me, I offer the following;

   Jakarta, Indonesia (AP)  “ Indonesia’s top Islamic body declared Tuesday that Muslims can drink civet coffee, the world’s most expensive coffee, which is extracted from the dung of civet cat.

   “A preacher recently suggested the beverage might not be “halal”, or religiously approved, because its provenance makes it unclean. But, after a long discussion Tuesday, the influential Indonesian Ulema Council said that the coffee, known locally as Kopi Luwak, could be consumed as long as the beans were washed.

   ”Kopi Luwak, which takes it name from the Indonesian word for civets, is made from hard beans that have been eaten by the nocturnal critters and then fermented in their stomachs before being pooped out and roasted. Civet cats are mongoose-like animals.

   “Kopi Luwak can be declared ‘halal’ after passing through a washing process,” said Maruf Amien, acting head of the council. “Producing, selling, and drinking it is allowed.”

   That news flash immediately brings a pile of unsavory pictures to mind.

   First off how does one obtain the ‘beans’? Is there some poor sap that follows the civet around with a tiny pooper-scooper? I will bet my last bag of Tender Vittles that his kids never ask him to go to ‘Career Day’ at school. Then there is the processing of the raw material another dead-end career if I have ever heard of one.

   What about the clerical approval? Could you imagine going into see the Pope or the Archbishop of Canterbury and asking about the sanctity of cat poop coffee? Father Graball is going to be on his way to his new assignment as a missionary in the North Pole within 24-hours as quick as you can say, “two sugars, hold the cream”.

   There may be something good to starting your day off with a steaming cup of Kopi Luwak. At least you know that the rest of the day is going to be much better, no matter what.

   However, there might be an opportunity in this exotic form of beverage. You could be the next ‘Starbucks’. What you need is to gather up all the stray cats in the neighborhood, a really big liter box, a coffee roaster, and some industrial strength nose plugs.

   If the ‘X’ generation is willing to shell out $8 for a double latte, half-cafe, cappuccino, just imagine what they are willing to pay for a cherryccino, mocha, kitty colada. The franchise rights alone will be worth millions. (Incidentally, you are going to need a few more stray cats.) There may be some ventilation issues and the choice of donuts might be a challenge.

   However, I can see some possible problems with the FDA. They get awful fussy about ingredients.

   Well coffee drinkers, new taste treats are opening up for you. Just nobody say ‘meow’ while it is going down. Personally, I’m sticking to sweet tea.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

July 29, 2010 at 4:42 p07

Posted in Americana, Humor

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