Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

We have nothing to fear, but…

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   My internet server has been featuring stories whose titles start with, “The 15 Most Dangerous…” or words to that effect. They cover such things as backyard hazards, amusement park rides, and airline food.

   The backyard hazards focus around swing sets. It reveals that kids somehow manage to fall off swing sets. This comes as a shocker. When I was a kid, we had a very small backyard. If you had set up a swing set, it would have occupied the entire area.

   If I had gotten over enthusiastic one of two things would have happened. I could have hooked my heels on the back fence, done a one and one third back flip, and landed face first in the Rosenthal’s tomato patch.

    A vigorous upswing would have ended me up in our kitchen sink trying to come up with a believable excuse on how I got there and what happened to the kitchen window. However, the problem with the cat’s nasty habit of sitting in the window and sharpening her claws on the curtain would have been solved.

   The alternative solution that my friends and I came up with was to get on our bikes, ride through heavy traffic, go to the park, and use the swing set to see how high we could jump before we sailed off at the apex of the swing.

   I always thought that the purpose of riding on amusement park rides was to get thrilled and that means getting scared. I learned a long time ago that anything mechanical will eventually break down.

   There is a good reason why at the entrance of all of these rides there is a sign reading, “Ride at your own risk”. Surprisingly, the seventh most dangerous ride was the merry-go-round. Even as a kid I thought a carousel was boring.

   However, I am willing to bet that the ride to and from the amusement park is more dangerous than the rides.

   Too much ink has been wasted on how lousy airline food is. However, this article had a new slant. It was that airline food could be dangerous.

   Three of the possible culprits are pretzels, crackers, and peanuts. It seems that these items might be on the shelf too long. Come on gang, I have crackers that have been on the shelf since the Reagan administration. However, when I lay out a cheese and cracker plate for guests the Democrats among them occasionally say they have a tough time swallowing them.

   The purpose of this diatribe is that it seems that we are being inundated with scare journalism. If you believe The Weather Channel every time you hear distant thunder you should rush to the basement, put your head between your legs and you know the rest.

    Sorry, kids get hurt when they play. If you stand up on a roller coaster ride, that act can justifiably eliminate you from the gene pool. Outdated food can make you ill.

   Do not fear, it is the way of the world.© 2010, Harmony County.


Written by harmonycounty

August 19, 2010 at 4:42 p08

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