Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Tiger, Tiger burning broke

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   It looks like another marriage made in heaven went spiraling down the toilet. The five-year union between golfer Tiger Woods and sports model (that is code for bikini model) Elin Nordegren is ‘fardiga’, as they say in Stockholm.

   The wedding ceremony, rumored to have cost $2,000,000, was chump change in comparison to how much the settlement cost. Elin got the mansion in Orlando, an estate in Sweden, a townhouse in Stockholm, and Utah.

   Current estimates for the cash-out vary. The lowball figure is $100,000,000 the high end is $750,000,000. One estimate put it at £300,000,000. In frog skins that works out to $462,874,780.51. (What can I say; I am a flea milker when it comes to numbers like that.) The Swedish kroner strengthened against the dollar upon the announcement, no joke.

      There was a sweetener in the deal. Tiger will pay $20,000 a month in child support for the two kids. If the 18th birthday is the drop-dead date for making payments, Tiger has up to 16+ years of monthly payments that comes to over $3,840,000.

   When asked in a “People” magazine interview about the settlement, Elin was quoted as saying, “Money can’t buy happiness”. I wish these babes would get some new material. If only the interviewer would honestly ask, “Hey Elin, now that you just got more money then the gross national product of most third-world nations. What are you going to do”? The more believable response would be, “I’m going to Disneyland and buy it”!

   All in all Elin’s Viking ancestors would have been proud.

   Eldrick Tont Woods, that is Tigers real name, was unavailable for comment, but reportedly, was seen leaving the courtroom shaking his head and mumbling to himself. His business manager was unreachable since he was allegedly busy with firefighters who were trying to talk him off a fourteen-story ledge.

   Tiger, dear boy, it is time to focus on golf. Recently your game has taken a bad a beating as your wallet and you are going to need to generate a ton of cash flow since the big endorserments went south. However, you had better keep one club in the bag.

   If I were you, I would try the old Army formula for keeping the level of testosterone in young GIs at manageable levels. Supposedly, saltpeter was secretly put in the chow. You might try the same, only I would increase the dosage to around five-pounds daily.

   However, there is always an upside. As the old saying goes, “There is something good even in a train wreck. At least it proves that something moving on the line”.

   I’ll bet that there are thousands of porn actresses and cocktail waitresses between the ages of 20 and 48 who are jumping for joy. They are lining up with a variety of golf clubs just itching to beat your brains out. Even now, there are rumors in the press that you have gone back to your partying ways.

   Smarten up pal; this is your second and last chance.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

September 2, 2010 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor, Sports

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