Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

Tea for everybody

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   The Tea Party seems to be getting a bunch of ink lately. I have always wondered why political organizations call themselves ‘party’. When I go to a party, I can assure you that tea is not my beverage of choice.

   I remember back in the day I would not even consider it a party unless I woke up in a strange place, with a blazing hangover, in someone else’s clothes and my wallet was missing. The advent of camera phones has curtailed those activities sharply. Getting older didn’t help much either.

   Nowadays the parties I go to are a bit more sedate. I am sure you are familiar with them. They are the ones where the blue rinse hostess greets you with, “Chips and dips, chains and whips, drugs on the right and booze on the left”. When you reach a certain age things just bog down and prune juice is a lousy mixer.

   This party misnomer is easily observed at the conventions. The Democrats have more action on the outside of the hall with their well organized, spontaneous riots. The Republicans throw a bash that is as exciting as an Abba concert. Not only are the speakers reading the teleprompter, so are the delegates.

   Were it not for the “TV Guide” you could not determine which party convention you are watching. The speeches are the same with identical references to Lincoln, future generations, founding fathers, etc.

   The attendees all seem to be sitting on spring-loaded seats hopping up simultaneously and cheering wildly for precisely 30 seconds and slamming their butts back in their chairs with an audible thump.

    Then the grand finale with the red, white, and blue balloons descending from the ceiling at the end of the convention. (The Democrats have added a twist to the balloon bit. They are proud to tell you that their balloons are biodegradable.)

   The only thing the Tea Partiers seem have in common is a desire to, “Throw the rascals out”! Do not get me wrong. I am all for a bit of revolution. But, I remember that back in the ‘90s the rage was for term limits for all elected officials. You know how well that worked out.

   The problem with rascal throwing is the difference between your representative and my representative. My representative is a combination of George Washington, Mother Teresa, Funky Winkerbean, the Good Samaritan, and Lassie.

   Your representative, however, would steal the pennies off a dead man’s eyes, is a running dog for big business, does strange things with turtles, is an admitted philatelist, and as the old saying goes, “His feet stink and he don’t love Jesus”.

   So therein lies the problem. While your representative should be doing life in the electric chair and mine goes through a quart of halo polish a week, what is going to happen next?

   You are sure to put your arch felon back in office. While my guy who, ‘loves kids and dogs and sends money home’ is good for another well-deserved term.© 2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

September 9, 2010 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor, Politics

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