Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

How far can you throw a Chaplain?

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   It is that time of year again and I am in hog heaven. Football season is in full swing and the pigskins fill the air.

   I am not going to try to duplicate what is in the sports section. I cannot compete with those folks. Anyone who can name the third string defensive line for the 1987 East Cupcake Teachers Tech knows more about sports than I do. Besides, sports writers are in a class by themselves. Think of ‘Bluto’ in “Animal House”.

   However, there are certain aspects of the game that I find interesting even though most folks would say it is a bit odd.

   I find that the fans are a source of wonder and amusement. Whenever the opposing team scores or recovers a fumble or gets an interception the expressions and body language is fascinating.

   The students seem to have a hung-dog look sort of like the expression that Rover has when he has an ‘accident’ on the living room rug. They do not look at the field, but glance away or conduct a long visual inspection of their shoes.

   The adults tend to do one of three things. The first is the hand on the hips pose with lips moving in what I do not believe is silent prayer. The next is the arms folded across the chest as if they were just personally responsible for the screw up on the field. The third is the pose with the right hand holding the left elbow and the left hand on the chin. The thinker is hard at work analyzing the last play and considering the coach’s immediate future.

   Another thing that gives me a kick are the gang tackles. The smallest person on the field who can run 40 yards in 4.4 seconds powers up and collides with the defensive line. Then piles on the rest of the defense, the trombone section from the band, three cheerleaders, two water boys, the school mascot, and the team Chaplain.

   Now the biggest guy on the field who is on the runner’s team comes over to the heap of humanity and starts heaving bodies employing the same technique favored by bouncers in redneck bars, only he gets a little more distance. He apologizes to the Chaplain as the reverend flies through the air.

   He finally gets down to the running back. Where he adjusts his helmet so he is no longer looking through the ear hole, removes the clods of grass from his face mask, dusts him off, pats his head and says, “Good effort little fellow. Now stand over there and the nice young man with the number 5 on his shirt will tell you what to do”, and gives him a gentle shove in the right direction.

    So let me recommend you taking in a few games. The college games are a bit pricey, but there are plenty of good high school games. The hotdogs are just as good. The enthusiasm is just as strong and the Chaplain bounces just as far.© 2010, Harmony County


Written by harmonycounty

September 23, 2010 at 4:42 p09

Posted in Americana, Humor, Sports

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