Harmony County

2011 & 2009 Winner of "Best Humor Column" awarded by the SC Press Association

A ‘Z’ sandwich

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   The other day I had to take care of some family matters. Mom’s Harley was in the shop and she needed a lift to see her parole officer. So, after taking her back to her job at the tattoo parlor, I was sitting at a stop light waiting for it to change.

   In front of me was a woman in a BMW Z4. I was admiring the sporty rear end, the car not the woman, and I glanced up at the rear view mirror and saw a Chevy Suburban Z12 barreling down at me. It was at that moment got the feeling that things were about to go seriously wrong.

   Imagine the feeling experienced by a downhill ski racer has when he blows a turn, is doing around 90 mph, is three feet away from a granddaddy pine, and is heading straight for it. Think, if you will, of a bungee jumper who takes a 100-foot dive and realizes he has 110 feet of bungee rope. The same feeling came over me and I groaned the same words as theirs, “Aw s***”.

   I could see that the soccer mom in the Suburban was on her cell phone and the two kids and a dog were raising Billy Hell in the back. Obviously she was distracted and the brake pedal was about to go untouched. I figure she was doing around 20-25 when she hit. The train reaction started with a loud crunch. The Suburban got me and I got the Beemer.

   Here is the ‘tale of the tape’. A Z4 Beemer weighs just short of 3,500 lbs., a Suburban about 8,600 and my rice rocket a little less than 2,400 lbs with a full tank. 

   Allow me to point out a few things about air bags. No one is prepared for the opening shock. One instant you are looking out the windshield and the next there is a loud ‘boom’ and you are slammed against the seat in a white plastic cloud. By the way, I recommend that the manufactures coat the bags with peppermint or chocolate or strawberry, the raw plastic taste terrible. However, airbags might be a good replacement for a kid’s ‘time out’.

   At this point, I managed to untangle myself from the bag and stumble out of the car. I called 911 and went to the Suburban to check for injuries. Everybody was OK and very quite. However, I believe that an underwear change might have been in order. I heard that the dog is in therapy. There are six airbags in a Suburban.

   The Beemer lady was not injured, but boy, she was mad. She laced into me, the soccer mom, the kids, and the dog. I tried to calm her down, to no avail. She explained, in loud detail, future lawsuits, and our upcoming homeless condition including a doghouse. But when she explained how much a Beemer cost, I lost it.

   I said, “If you spent that much money why didn’t you get the ‘force field’ option”?©2010, Harmony County

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Written by harmonycounty

October 14, 2010 at 4:42 p10

Posted in Americana, Humor

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